How to Find the Best Therapist for You

You’ve struggled for long enough with the stress and constant worry and decided it’s time to work with a therapist. But how do you find a therapist? What’s the first step?It’s not like you’ve done this 100 times before like meeting with your family physician. How do you know who’s good? How can you trust someone you don’t even know?Searching for a therapist can be just as scary as the thought of going on with the issues that have you thinking of getting help in the first place!Here are some tips that will hopefully make the process a little less stressful for you, and help you to find the therapist that fits with your personality and needs.There are two steps when looking for a therapist. Finding potential counselors, and then deciding which to actually work with.

How to find a therapist

At this stage you are casting a wide net just to see who is a possibility for you to work with. To do that, you first need to consider what criteria is important to you.

Financial

Is it important to find someone who is in-network with your insurance, or are you willing to consider a private pay therapist who will help you get reimbursed through out-of-network benefits? If you want to stay in-network, then you’ll just want to double check with any potential therapist that they accept your specific insurance.

Insurance companies are making it increasingly difficult for therapists to join their networks, or they regularly lower their reimbursement rates or make it difficult to obtain reimbursement, so many therapists are choosing to go “out-of-network.” Disclaimer: I am an out-of-network provider.

What that means for you is that you pay the therapist’s fee at the time of your appointment, and they provide you with a “superbill” that you submit to your insurance company. Many insurance companies will reimburse at least some of the cost. To know for sure how your insurance company handles out-of-network reimbursement, follow these steps:

A) Contact your Insurance Carrier

1) Ask the insurance provider if you have coverage for outpatient mental health psychotherapy and related mental health benefits. For individual psychotherapy, the code is CPT code 90837.

2) Ask: Does a deductible need to be met, and has it been met?

3) Ask: Is Pre-authorization required? If so, try to obtain this phone number before meeting with your therapist.

4) Ask: Is approval or a referral required by a medical provider?

5) Ask: What is the amount of coverage for an out-of-network provider? This will likely be a percentage number.

6) Ask: Is there a time limit for submission of claims?

7) Ask: Where should my claims be mailed?

Also regarding financing, you want to ensure that you can afford weekly session for 1-2 months before moving to every other week. That frequency is necessary at the outset of treatment to ensure progress is made.

Specialist vs generalist

Is it important to work with someone who is a specialist in your area of concern, or would you be okay working with a generalist? I’m going to be honest here, research shows that a trusting relationship with a therapist where you can be open, honest, and feel supported is the most important aspect for feeling better. That being said, a strong relationship with someone who is an expert at your specific concern is optimal.

Certain issues truly do benefit from working with a specialist. Addiction, eating disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and personality disorders (e.g., borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder) are among the conditions that have unique qualities that a generalist will likely not handle as well as a specialist. A good therapist should communicate with you from the very beginning whether they are qualified to help you, or if it would be better to refer you to a different provider.

Please understand that a referral is intended to connect you with the therapist that can best help you improve, and NOT an indication of you being broken or undesirable. I want you to feel better and if I can help, I will, but if I can’t, I will provide you the names of people I think can help!

Location

How far are you willing to travel to meet with the perfect counselor? Are you okay with meeting a therapist virtually? If you’re in a rural area, or seeking a specialist for a certain condition, it may be difficult to find someone that’s only a short drive away. For some people it’s important to be able to meet with their therapist face to face, and then you’ll need to decide if your schedule can accommodate the extra driving to meet with your best fit.

Online therapy has been shown to be just as effective as in-person therapy for most mental health concerns. What this means is that you have options across your entire state! While some online therapists practice over e-mail or text message, most use video technology similar to Skype or Facetime. I’ve found that the technology has not caused any problems with developing a strong relationship, and can be far more convenient for patients with busy schedules.

Making a List of Counselors

Now that you have your basic criteria, you need to actually get some names!

• Friends who have had positive experiences with their counselor

• Ask your primary care provider who they recommend

• Contact your insurance company

• Online directories

  • A benefit of online directories is you can input some of the criteria discusses earlier to narrow down your search (e.g., online therapy available, specific insurance, location, etc.)

  • www.psychologytoday.com

  • www.goodtherapy.org

  • www.beingseen.org

  • www.onlinecounselling.com

  • www.openpathcollective.org (providers agree to see patients for between $30-$50/session)

Website Review

Once you have a few names to consider, you want to spend some time seeing what you can find about them. Most therapists these days have an online presence either on social media or a website. Take a look at what you can find and get an idea of the counselor’s personality and whether it seems like it may be a good fit for you. While you might not be able to tell if someone is “the one,” you may be able to cross some people off your list if their online material rubs you the wrong way.

Free Consultations

Now that you’ve narrowed down your list even further, you’ll want to take advantage of free consultations. Most therapists offer between 15-30 minute free consultations. What you can expect on these phone or video chats is for the counselor to ask questions to try and understand what your concerns are.It’s also a chance to ask any specific questions you have about the therapist or therapy in general, as well as insurance, fees, etc. During the meeting, you should get an idea of whether the therapist’s style is a fit, and if they have the experience to help you.Good therapists don’t just accept anybody who calls, he or she should also be evaluating whether they are the best person to help you, or if you would most benefit from a referral to a colleague.At the end of this session, you and the counselor decide whether to schedule an intake session, or if you should pursue other options. It’s okay to tell the therapist you’re still looking, and you’ll schedule at a later date if you choose! There are no obligations at this point to schedule.

The Intake Session

Once you’ve called around, had several free consultations, and decided who you feel is the best fit therapist, it’s time for the intake session. This session will be similar to the consultation in that it’s primarily geared towards gathering information about you, your background, and your primary concerns. It’s also still a chance for you and the therapist to evaluate “goodness of fit” in personality and experience.I encourage you to be honest with yourself about whether or not you feel a connection. As I said earlier, a strong relationship is the best predictor of success in therapy. If you just don’t click, it’s okay not to schedule again. In that case you may want to ask for a copy of the written intake evaluation so you can provide it to your next option counselor (this is not necessary, but can make it quicker and easier to get into actual therapeutic work).As a psychologist, I want everybody to get the optimal treatment for them. I never take offense if they choose to change providers after our first session, and I am more than happy to provide options if requested!Deciding to start therapy is a difficult decision. It requires you to admit that you need help. It means you have to become vulnerable and open up to a “stranger.” Any therapist you communicate with should demonstrate that they recognize this difficulty, and that they respect you for it.You are choosing to make an investment in yourself. It’s no different from meeting with a personal trainer to improve physical health. Even just taking the step of researching counselors and reaching out to ask for help is moving yourself in the right direction. You deserve to feel mentally strong, and working with a therapist can help you reach that goal!If you have any questions for me, please either call 727-498-1809, or e-mail kevin@hydepsychology.com. I also offer free 30 minute consultations if you’re ready to take that step. Here’s to wishing you the best on your journey of finding the right therapist!

How to Stop Those Pesky Negative Thoughts

You had a good day. Got the kids to bed without too much fuss and they didn’t kill each other. Enjoyed dinner with the family and it felt like things were going well.Then it happens. Out of nowhere, the little dark angel in your head reminds you of how yesterday wasn’t so hot. In fact, it says that yesterday you were a failure as a mother.It starts off quiet, but before you know it, all you can think about is the many mistakes you’ve made. You focus on how everybody else is a better parent than you.You know your kids are going to be messed up as adults because of your screw ups!!You try to ignore it and think about something else. You tell it to leave you alone. It seems to come back stronger every time.It just won’t stop.If that story resonates with you, then I hope you’ll find this article useful in helping you to take some of the power away from that dark voice in your head. Because even though we can’t always get rid of it, we can find ways to live a good life in spite of it. Your emotions do not need to be controlled by those negative voices.I want to help you learn to DEFUSE from those negative thoughts.

What in the heck does it mean to defuse?

When you think something and you believe it 100% such that it controls your emotions and your behavior, we can say you are fused with that thought. This is our natural tendency since we generally believe our thoughts. I mean, why wouldn’t we trust our own head when it’s been with us our entire lives?What if I told you that your mind lies to you…It’s true. You can think things that are not true. Try it for yourself. Picture yourself doing 10 pushups right now while you’re sitting here reading this blog. Can you feel the burn?See, you can THINK something that is not actually reality. In fact, your mind does this to you dozens of times every day and you just aren’t AWARE of it!Let me say that again. Your mind is constantly coming up with stories about who you are that are not inherently true. You just don’t question it because you are so used to fusing with those stories!

Can I stop fusing with these negative thoughts?

Yes you can!But first, you need to become aware that it is happening. Building the skill of mindful awareness will help you recognize your thoughts as thoughts.Pause for a second and notice what’s going through your head for the next 15 seconds.Did your mind drift? Did it think of anything emotionally charged? Did it stay focused on the present experience, or go into planning mode? What was your mind doing while you paused?When you’re not used to doing this it can be a) difficult and b) a little scary. It takes practice to notice our thoughts.You might want to start by using emotion as a cue. When you begin to feel a strong emotion, take a pause and notice what your mind is saying.It might give you pictures, or phrases, or maybe even sound like your mother. Just begin to notice how your mind speaks to you, and causes an emotional response. That is fusion in action.Check out my post on mindfulness meditation if you want to learn more about developing this very useful  skill.

What to do once you’ve noticed the thought

Okay, so you’ve taken your pause and recognize your mind just told you a story. Now, recognize what a thought actually is. (Technically, it’s a bunch of cells in your brain having an electrical and chemical response to a stimulus, but you can ignore that.) For our purposes, a thought is… A THOUGHT. Duh.A thought is a thought. It’s not real. You can’t touch a thought. It can’t make you do something. It’s just a thought.Just as you thought about doing 10 pushups earlier and didn’t get any stronger, you can have this thought and not do anything about it.Usually, you have a thought, believe it, it affects your emotions, and it affects your behavior. For example, maybe you thought, “I’m a bad wife and mother,” so you felt sad/depressed, and because you felt that way you curled up in bed rather than talking to your spouse about the day. That pattern can play out a million different ways, but it typically results in trying to avoid the negative thought, trying to avoid the negative emotion, and behaviors that only make the thoughts and emotions more powerful.Defusion can help disrupt that pattern!Noticing that you’re having a thought, and recognizing that the thought is a thought which has no inherent power to make you do anything helps separate you from just believing the thought. Here is a short video that illustrates this concept. 

Other tools to help defuse from negative thoughts

So I just told you that a thought is a thought and blew your mind. Now I’m going to tell you that a word is just a word and rock your whole world!We give meaning to words because that’s how language works. But a word is just a collection of letters and sounds, and has no meaning by itself. Don’t believe me? Go to China and ask for a watermelon. They won’t understand, right?Watermelon only has meaning in English because we’ve learned over the course of our lives that it’s a green fruit with pink flesh that is refreshing on a hot Florida day. Without that learning and context, watermelon is just a collection of letters and sounds.Now that you know this, you can take advantage of it by taking those negative thoughts you’re fused to and turning them back into meaningless collections of letters and sounds.Do that by singing it in a song! Use the tune of the happy birthday song (don't worry, it’s not copyrighted anymore so you won’t need to pay any royalties) and repeat your mind’s story.I’m a loooooser, I’m a looooser, I’m a loooooooooser, I’m a loooooooser.It is really hard to take our mind seriously when it’s singing a silly song! You can even have Mickey Mouse sing the song! With that funny voice, it gives the thought even less credibility.Or even without a character or a song, just say the thought over and over and over and over. When you say something repeatedly, it begins to lose any meaning associated with it.Try it yourself: Say bowl one time. I’m guessing you also pictured something that matches your notion of a bowl. Now say bowl repeatedly for the next 30 seconds. Were you still picturing your ideal bowl at the end of the exercise?A word is just a collection of letters and sounds and only has meaning because we have learned that it has meaning. Repeat your thought over and over and over and it turns back into a collection of letters and sounds removed from the meaning.

One last tip to help defuse from negative thoughts

Say you’ve tried the techniques I just discussed, and the thought is still knocking around your head. The final tip here is simply to acknowledge that the thought exists, “thank you, mind,” and continue doing what is important and meaningful to you.It can be helpful to imagine that you’re a bus driver and your thoughts are passengers. Some are courteous, and others throw spitballs at your head. You know none of the passengers can actually physically hurt you because they are just thoughts. Your job is to continue driving the bus towards your values… those things that you find important and meaningful. If the rowdy passengers are throwing paper airplanes and shouting in your ear, you simply say, “thank you, you can return to your seat now,” while continuing to keep the bus on track.This committed action to doing the things you find meaningful makes it harder for those negative thoughts to continue to control you. You are taking control by choosing to do things rather than simply avoid the thoughts and emotions. That is so powerful.I know this concept can be a bit confusing, so I encourage you to reach out if you have any questions or need clarification (kevin@hydepsychology.com, 727-498-1809). And if you're ready to get to work in taking back control of your life, please schedule a free 30 minute consultation today.

Why is Parenting So Hard?

There is no denying it. Parenting. Is. Hard.My wife and I have split working and caregiving duties at various times, so we both gained a healthy respect for the challenges and blessings of both sides.Working is difficult because you miss the kids, but you often get socialization and adult conversations throughout the day.Staying home is rewarding for the closeness that develops between parent and child, but there is very little rest and you start to wonder whether your conversational ability is going to be stuck at a 3 year old level forever.It’s so difficult to get that perfect balance of family, work, social, and personal life that lead to feeling fulfilled and happy.But people have been raising kids successfully for thousands of years, why is it so hard for me?

Social comparisons

I’m not saying parenting was easier for earlier generations, but they had different challenges than we have today.For one, our parents and grandparents weren’t able to compare their parenting experience with as many other people.There was no Facebook, or Instagram to make them wonder why everybody else is going to Disney World while they backyard camped to save money.With social media you begin to compare your daily life with everybody else’s highlight reel!I’m guessing you don’t post every struggle with your child, but focus on posting the fun, happy, extreme events that will make others jealous.Yeah? So remember that when you see a former high school classmate posting her amazing Pinterest creation while your ladybug cake looks more like a deformed cockroach.You don’t post your failures, and neither do your friends.This is an area where a good parenting group can be so helpful.I say “good” because it needs to be a safe place where people share their failures and help each other to recognize that we all struggle, and well have failures, and we all have some really cute moments as well.A group where everybody puts on their happy face and denies any challenges and talks about how their kids are all perfect little angels… GET THE HECK OUT OF THERE, IMMEDIATELY! That is The Stepford Wives and not real life!Churches, Meetup.com, PTAs, and the YMCA are some resources to look into for finding a good parenting group near you.

Keeping to yourself

This goes hand in hand with my recommendation for finding a parenting group.There are times when I’m watching the girls that I feel like a complete failure.I wonder why there wasn’t a test required before becoming a parent… and then I’m thankful there wasn’t because I might have failed!It’s impossible to be good at everything, which means we’re all going to screw up eventually.We’re going to have days we don’t want to get out of bed, or that we snap at our kids for no apparent reason.When we keep these feelings to ourselves, we can continue to live in a world where outwardly we are perfect and content, while inwardly we are fighting to stay afloat.We end up stuck on a lonely island where we can never get validation from others that these feelings are normal.Having someone you can open up to and share your thoughts with, who won’t just try to solve your problems or dismiss your concerns, is crucial. It can be your mother, your best friend, a therapist, or even a stranger on the internet (e.g., www.reddit.com/r/parenting, www.reddit.com/anxiety ).Opening up and sharing the burden lightens the load on our shoulders and helps us to feel normal again.I assure you, if you’re thinking or feeling something, there is a 99% likelihood someone else has felt the same way.It doesn’t seem like much, but just hearing “I’ve been there” can lift a huge weight off your shoulders.Even when it seems like there is no solution to your challenges, think about finding someone to share with.

What do we do about our parenting struggles?

There is no one size fits all solution to the challenges of raising a successful, happy family.Nor can we wave a magic wand and make your stress, worry, or anxiety disappear overnight.I wish I could, truly I do. There are small changes you can make today to start moving in the direction of feeling joy again though!

• Cut back on social media - Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram, etc. can all be great resources for keeping in touch with old friends, or finding activities and recipes. They can also suck the life right out of you if you’re not careful! Figure out how much time you really want to spend on these sites, and think about blocking any people who are adding negativity to your life.

• Adjust your expectations - Remember that while people aren’t posting their failures on your social media feeds, they are screwing up just as often as you. Let yourself be okay with screwing up now and then. The problem isn’t usually with the mistake, it’s how the mistake grabs onto your focus and leads to stress, worry, anxiety, and depression.

• Use a gratitude journal - Writing down 3 things you are thankful for each day helps you to remember that the day wasn’t all bad. Find very specific things you have to be grateful for and it lessens the impact of those mistakes you’ve made. Over time, this can make it easier for you to recognize the good things as you go about your day!

• Identify and use your support system - I can’t emphasize the importance of this enough. Make a list of the people in your life and start reconnecting with those who you miss, or that you would like to spend more time with. If you don’t feel your list of family, friends, or acquaintances will care about your struggles, a) you don’t know unless you’ve tried already, and b) it’s okay to find new sources of support. Use the resources I mentioned earlier to get connected with other parents to hear their struggles and you can share yours once you feel comfortable.

If you feel like you've tried these suggestions and more and it still wasn't enough, please consider reaching out for a free strategy call. We can discuss your specific situation, and help make a plan for getting you to your goals. I currently have a few slots available for new clients if we click and choose to go that route. As always, I'd love to hear from you, so please reach out if you have any questions to kevin@hydepsychology.com or 727-498-1809.

5 Tips to Improve Your Child's Behavior

We love our kids, but that doesn’t mean we always like them.Children are programmed to test boundaries, which means breaking rules that we know they already understand.As soon as it seems like things are going smoothly, one child or another enters a phase of defiance.It can be so frustrating to continually be trying out different systems of discipline and feeling like they are ineffective.It’s overwhelming to check out Amazon.com’s parenting section (there were over 200,000 results for “parenting books”).Which book actually works? How do you know who to trust? What if I waste my time and money reading and it doesn’t work with my kids?Friend A says to try this method, but Friend B says that didn’t work for them. There are a million things that race through your head when trying to decide what to do next. It can be overwhelming for any mom hoping to do what's best for their child.I understand the frustration because we all know that every child is different, so you may even need several styles of discipline in your own home! While there are many methods out there, it seems there are several universals when it comes to discipline, which I will share here.Here are my top five tips for effective discipline.

Understanding why the outburst happened

Before doing or saying anything, try to understand why your child is misbehaving. The most common reasons are due to hunger, anger, loneliness (wanting attention), and being tired.So run through a quick checklist to see which of those might apply to this situation, and respond accordingly.The second part of understanding is to use that knowledge to reduce your own anger/frustration at the situation.I’m guessing your work performance doesn’t improve much when your boss yells at you, and the same goes for children.By understanding that their problematic behaviors stem from an underlying cause, and are not just for the purpose of making you angry, it can be easier to cut them some slack and respond more calmly.Now I’m not saying they don’t incur any consequences for their behaviors, but rather that yelling is the least effective way of communicating your point.

Effective Communication

As with adult relationships, communication is an important part of healthy relationships with our children.One of the major reasons for misbehavior is poor communication of expectations by a parent.Think of the last time you were engrossed in a book or a TV show that you loved, and your partner asked you to do something. I’m guessing you either didn’t fully get what they were asking because your attention was divided, or at the very least you did not want to stop doing what you enjoyed to do that task instead.I can’t even tell you the number of times I’ve seen this situation play out with kids and lead to massive, house-disrupting arguments!If your child is playing a video game, he or she is not listening to you… even if they say “okay, I got it.”Yelling to your child in another room to do a chore is a recipe for having that chore go uncompleted.Of course you’re busy making dinner, or doing another important household task and you just want a little help.Kids need to have chores and be part of the household, but there are more effective ways to communicate your needs.

• Eye contact - when asking your child to do something make sure there is eye contact. And not just the 5 second looking away from the screen eye contact. You need to be sure you have their full attention for them to understand what you’re asking.

• Clear expectations - providing directions that allow for broad interpretations mean your child will do as little as possible to meet the “done” criteria. What I mean by this is saying, “pick up your room,” will likely lead to everything on the floor simply being placed on the bed, dresser, desk, in the closet etc. Everything was “picked up,” but that was not what you intended, of course. Be very clear in what your expectation is for a task to be completed, and ensure your child understands.

• Acknowledgement of understanding - Having your child repeat back to you what you asked, rather than just saying okay. They can’t say they didn’t “get it” if they are able to explain what your expectation is. This allows you to clarify if there is a misunderstanding. One way to ensure your expectations are clear and the child understands is to have them written out.

Use Praise Often

It feels good when your boss says nice things to you, right?Even when kids are doing things they “should be doing,” showing appreciation for their efforts can go a long way.So often we only catch our kids when they're causing problems, but it is important to catch them being good, too!It’s easy to criticize when things are only done 90%, so try and instead praise the 90%. For sure 90% is better than 50% or 0%!Also, “You did a good job cleaning, BUT do this next time” is NOT PRAISE. Anything before “but” is ignored and they only hear the criticism.Instead, when you ask them to do the task the next time, specifically include the “do this also.”Praise as much as you can, repeatedly, and you’ll find it much easier to gain compliance in the future.

Consistency in enforcing rules

If our kids break the rules 1,000 times, it’s our job as parents to maintain the rules and discipline 1,001 times.The reason you see people sitting in front of slot machines for hours on end is because they are “intermittently reinforcing.”What that means is sometimes they pay out, sometimes they don’t. You cannot predict it.The big jackpot always MIGHT be on the next pull, so you keep pulling.

We do not want to be slot machines to our kids.

If you sometimes don’t enforce the rules, or give in when they tantrum, then you are the slot machine.They will continue to misbehave and tantrum because the reward MIGHT be there this time.Consistency goes a long way towards reducing bad behaviors because kids learn that there is no benefit.One important thing to mention is that if you’ve been pretty inconsistent in the past and want to change, you can expect your child’s behavior to get worse before it gets better.They will try furiously to test you and push you to give in before they finally relent and recognize you are now consistently enforcing boundaries.Many parents give up during that worsening period, but it is the storm before the calm as long as you don’t give in!!

Rewards for good behavior

The term rewards can be a little bit confusing. Some parents dismiss the idea of rewards at all because kids are just doing what they should be doing anyways.I try to reframe rewards to be like our paycheck. We go to work so we get a paycheck.The paycheck comes to us because we’re doing something we should be doing, but we wouldn’t do it without the paycheck.Kids are more likely to do something they should be doing if they are rewarded for it.Many parents promise extra things to their kids as a reward if they’re good, such as a toy, but that can get expensive.What I prefer is to use things your child already has and enjoys as their reward.For example, many kids love TV or tablets or video games. So we start to implement a system where if the child completes a certain number of their chores, they are allowed X amount of screen time in the evening.If they don’t complete the chores, no screen time. The child is rewarded, or given their “paycheck” for completing the specified tasks.It doesn’t cost any extra money, and you can choose things that you know will be motivating for your kids.Rewarding in this way works MUCH better than always allowing access and taking away the privilege for non-completion, even though they seem to be similar concepts.Hopefully those tips will help to improve your child’s behavior and make discipline a little less painful. They won’t work with every child, of course, so please reach out with any questions you might have to kevin@hydepsychology.com or 727-498-1809. And if you want to schedule a free 30 minute consultation, I would love to chat about your specific situation and how we might work together to improve your child’s compliance.

5 Tips for Getting a Good Night's Sleep

Improve Your Sleep To Improve Your Life!

Sleep is probably the most underappreciated aspect of health. The doc always tells us to eat less junk and more vegetables, and to move our bodies 150 minutes each week. We’re told that eating better and exercising improve our physical and mental health, which is true. So you work for one third of the day, and one third of the day you try and do healthy things like exercise, but what about that final third of the day. When we’re busy with deadlines, or our schedules are jam packed because of our kids’ sports, sleep is often the first thing we sacrifice. “I’ll make up for it when I’m dead,” is the common joke. Sadly, the joke has some truth to it since poor sleep can double your risk of death.Of course we always hear stories of Bill Clinton, Tim Cook, and others who notoriously only need 4-6 hours a night to recharge and still accomplish big things. We almost see it as a badge of honor, arguing with our friends and coworkers about who got less sleep the night before. If you sleep 4 hours and feel rested and are able to accomplish your scheduled tasks without biting your loved ones’ heads off, then you can stop reading right here because you are one of the lucky few! For the rest of us, averaging 7 to 9 hours of sleep each night is incredibly helpful in improving our physical and mental well-being. Approximately 30 percent of the population deals with insomnia. That is over 100,000,000 Americans who are regularly not hitting their target amount of sleep! Poor sleep can lead to increased likelihood of obesity, traffic accidents, as well as reduced work productivity.Here are some tips to help you make the most of the sleeping hours so you can enjoy your waking hours.

Sleep hygiene

Just like personal hygiene involves washing your body, brushing your teeth, clipping nails etc., sleep hygiene is how we describe a group of behaviors that promote healthy sleep.

• Naps - Try to eliminate or minimize any naps to ensure you are tired at bedtime. If you must nap, limit it to under 30 minutes.

• Caffeine - Limit your caffeine intake to earlier in the day. For me personally, I avoid any caffeine after noon, but for most people they say no caffeinated drinks after 2pm. You may also want limit your water intake before bed to reduce nighttime wakings due to a full bladder.

•  Bed Activities - Only use your bed for sleep and sex. That means no eating in bed, watching television, or surfing social media for hours. We want your body to build a strong connection that being in bed means it’s time for sleep. Adding in other stimulating activities can disrupt that connection.

• Electronics - Electronic devices such as televisions, smart phones, and tablets emit blue light, which sensors in the back of our eyes interpret as “the sun’s up, time to be awake!” For about an hour prior to bedtime try to limit your exposure to electronics. Alternatively, invest in blue light glasses that filter out the wakeful light.

• Bedtime routine - As much as possible, have a consistent bedtime and routine leading up to bedtime. Try to engage in relaxing activities in the hour before bedtime and have a regular schedule (e.g., shower, brush teeth, read, sleep). This helps your body recognize that you’re getting ready for sleep.

Get Comfortable

Most people sleep a little better when the room is on the cool side, but this is personal preference. Try out a few different temperatures and coverings to see which allows you to feel the most comfortable. Also contributing to your nighttime comfort is your bed and sheets. It can be tempting to scrimp on your mattress, but do you really want to go cheap on something where you spend one third of your life? Having a mattress that is the right amount of firm or soft and supports you adequately is crucial for ensuring quality sleep and minimizing pain in your back or neck in the morning. If you find your sheets scratchy, you probably aren’t going to sleep with them rubbing against you for 8 hours. Find bedding that makes it easier for you to reach the right temperature without irritating your skin. It’s also important to ensure the room is free from lights and noises that can disrupt your sleep. Having a fan or white noise machine can help reduce the impact of external noises.

Racing thoughts

The most common sleep issue people talk to me about is that their thoughts seem to race at bedtime. I don’t know what it is about our beds that lead to this, but it’s extremely common. Thankfully, this is often addressed with a couple different strategies that are easy to implement. The first is to have paper and pen next to your bed that you can write down the thoughts that are bothering you. Many people report that doing so almost feels like it pulls the thought from their head and puts it down on paper and reduces their sleep problems. It’s almost as if your mind knows it doesn’t need to focus on the thought because it’s on the paper so you can remember it in the morning. Similarly, new research has shown that writing out a To Do list for the next day makes it significantly easier to fall asleep. On the paper next to your bed, think about what you plan to do the next day and write it out. This again frees up your mind from trying to ensure you don’t forget an important task, and can help you fall asleep an average of 9 minutes sooner than not doing so!!

Relaxation techniques

Some people find it helpful to do deep breathing techniques, or a mindfulness meditation practice before going to sleep. These can put your body in a state of relaxation, which allows for easier sleep. Deep breathing takes less than a minute, so with a little practice you can be on your way to easier sleep. Although mindfulness meditation is not intended to promote relaxation, most people do find that it’s helpful in that regard. Bringing yourself into the present moment for 5 or 10 minutes before trying to fall asleep can also help to calm intrusive thoughts. Free apps such as Calm and Headspace provided guided meditations that make it easy for beginners and experienced meditators alike. 

Kids

Kids are my downfall. When Mary wakes me up after 3am I just cannot fall back asleep. We do everything we can to reduce her nighttime wakings… for the selfish reason of reducing my own nighttime wakings! If you have an infant, you're in for some sleep deprivation until they get into a routine that allows for sleeping through the night. If you have toddlers, there are some things you can try to reduce some of those nighttime intrusions.

• Do not have them in the bedroom or bed with you after the pediatrician recommended period (typically one year, but speak to your child's doctor).

• Ask yourselves these questions to try and understand the underlying issue: Is there a pattern? Is the child uncomfortable (e.g., hot or cold)? Are they having nightmares? Are they just looking for attention?

I’ll write an entire blog post about addressing the most common childhood sleep issues, but for now just do the best you can to proactively help your child address the issues you recognize.

Getting Yourself Back on Track

What do you do if you’ve had insomnia or sleep problems for awhile and need help getting back on track? You can use the techniques I mentioned above, and if that isn’t enough, I’d recommend speaking with your primary care provider or scheduling with a therapist who has experience working with sleep disorders. The American Academy of Family Physicians recommends Cognitive Behavior Therapy as the first line treatment over medication. Sleep medication is difficult to transition away from as the body often forms a dependence on it after a period of time. Cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia is a treatment specifically designed to help those struggling with chronic insomnia. With the guidance of a therapist, you work to address negative thoughts and behavioral patterns that are interfering with effective sleep. Although returning to a healthy, natural sleep pattern requires dedication, it pays off in terms of quality of life and life expectancy. I have never met a patient who regretted their decision to put in the effort to improve their sleep.If you're ready to take back your life and improve your sleep, or overcome stress and anxiety, please reach out and schedule a free consultation. If you have any questions, feel free to shoot me an e-mail at kevin@hydepsychology.com, or to give me a call at 727-498-1809.

Ask Me Anything on Reddit Along with 24 Other Therapists!

This post is a little different than my usual blogs. Last week I took part in a huge series of Ask Me Anything (AMA) threads on Reddit with many other online therapists. If you're unfamiliar with AMAs, it's an opportunity for random people on Reddit to ask questions of a celebrity, or an expert of some kind. As a group, we answered questions on an unbelievable range of issues, and I'd encourage you to look through the threads of topics that may apply to you. I've linked all the threads below.

Trauma
Mental Illness
Grief
Alzheimer's
Divorce & Dating
After Divorce
Bulimia
Challenges of Entrepreneurship & Women in Leadership
Social Anxiety
Pregnancy
Anxiety
Rape Counseling
Mental Health - I'm here!
Various Subjects - I'm here!

If you couldn't find an answer to your questions in those threads, please reach out and ask by e-mail or phone. You can also feel free to schedule a free 30 minute consultation for us to discuss what treatment might look like and also answer specific questions.

5 Tips to Better Play

In earlier blogs, I discussed the importance of getting on the floor and playing with your children. It’s not unusual for parents to come into therapy with their children and sheepishly comment on how they are not sure exactly how to play with their kids. And I can’t blame them! It’s not like there’s an instruction manual, or a course in school, and it just doesn’t come naturally to every parent. Here are five tips that I hope will make play time with your kids more enjoyable for both parent and child!

1) Give yourself permission

A) Permission to put other responsibilities on hold

I get it, you’ve got a lot going on. It can be hard to take 15 minutes away from all the other household tasks that need to be done. Do it anyways. Give yourself permission to let the laundry go unfolded, or not respond to the work e-mail right away. I’m sure you’ll agree that  your kids are important, and the way they will feel that is through quality time with you. It’s okay to put everything else out of your mind for 15 minutes and just focus on your kids. I promise the world will not come crashing down in that time.

B) Permission to BE A KID

More than just allowing yourself to focus on your kids, it’s even better if you give yourself permission to be a kid during those 15 minutes! Be silly. Make funny noises. Roll around on the ground being tickled. Have an overly dramatic death sequence while playing cops and robbers. My kids absolutely love it when I’m the tickle monster. I “sleep” until they wake me and then I chase them all around the playroom until I get tired and fall asleep again. There may even be funny voices involved (I think I'm channeling Cookie Monster, though my wife says I sound more like Pennywise the scary clown from IT). Those silly memories will be far more important once they are teenagers than getting the grocery list done.

2) Put your phone away

Not going to say much here. Just do it. Your phone can wait. 

3) Let your kids take charge

All day long kids are told what to do and when to do it. At home. At school. At daycare. "Put your clothes away." "Go potty." "Be nice to your sister." Can you imagine how much you would hate work if your boss just constantly micromanaged your every move? Play time is when we step back as parents and let the kids have some control. They get to pick the game or the toy and how it’s used. If they want daddy to be a princess ballerina, well then daddy will put on his tutu and plie with the best of them. This sounds super easy, but when I’ve observed family play sessions at least 75% of parents give instructions within the first 30 seconds. They are shocked when the facilitators point it out because they don’t even realize it! That just goes to show how natural it is as parents to tell our kids what to do, and how much we need to focus on taking that step back during play time. Of course we’re not going to let them do something dangerous or that is against the rules, but then you just help redirect them to choose an activity that is allowed.

4) Comment without judgment

Some parents tell me they don’t know how to play with their kids. They don’t have a good imagination or didn’t have good role models when they were younger and haven’t learned how to do it. That is okay! Usually, your child will teach you what they want you to do, follow their instructions and prompting. If they’re playing on their own though, just comment on what you see. “You’re throwing the ball up and down,” “Ooh, look how you jump from one place to another,” “The horsey is running fast!” This is called attending behavior, and it’s so useful for helping your child know you’re paying attention. When doing this, try to avoid saying things are good or bad. That’s a way of trying to control what your child is doing, and remember this is their time.

5) Yes, but…

Any parent knows that “no” is a trigger word. Kids hear that word and many times they shut down or they melt down. It’s not fun for the child, and it’s definitely not fun for the parent. And when the kid is melting down it’s easy to give in to their demands just to quiet them down. Of course that just makes them more likely to melt down next time since they get what they want! One way to avoid using that “no” trigger word while still essentially saying no is to use the phrase, “yes, but.” For example, if your child wants to watch TV but you need to go grocery shopping right now you’d say, “Yes you can watch TV, but we need to go to the store first, so when we get home you may watch it.” This may still lead to some opposition, but it is typically far less than if you had said, “no, we need to go grocery shopping.” In the context of allowing them to choose play time activities, this can make it easier to enforce boundaries while still allowing them to feel like they are in charge. Mary is addicted to screen time so I'm often saying, "yes, you can watch videos on the iPad, but first we have to play with your toys." It's not unusual for her to get so distracted with riding her tricycle or running around the backyard that she forgets about the iPad altogether.Hope those tips are helpful as they are just the tip of the iceberg. If you feel that it would be helpful to discuss your specific situation to figure out how to best address your challenges, please schedule a free consultation, or shoot me an e-mail. Happy play time!

Tips to Beat Anxiety and Stress

In this blog, I’ll discuss a few methods to help cope with anxiety symptoms that may get their own blog a little later, but can be helpful for you right now. I've already discussed how to use deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, visualization, mindfulness meditation, and changing your perspective to help reduce anxiety or stress, but those aren’t the only tools available. Some other ideas that can be used together or in conjunction with a previously discussed strategy are: exercise, gratitude journal, social connection, and valued living. Moms especially can feel overwhelmed with stress and anxiety when juggling so many tasks. You can pick and choose what fits best with your personality and schedule, use what works for you, and forget about what doesn't!

Exercise

This is one of those things that our doctors tell us all the time. We all know that we should be exercising more, but it ends up being difficult to either start or maintain the habit. When we do though, it ends up being beneficial in a huge way both physically and mentally. Of course our medical doctors are typically referring to the health benefits such as lowered blood pressure, lowered cholesterol, and overall improved heart health, but we also know that exercise releases “feel good” chemicals in the brain. When we increase the levels of these chemicals, it makes it easier for us to view stressors as temporary, or to recognize that we do have the resources to overcome the obstacle we are facing. And the good news is you don’t need to run a marathon for these benefits. Even just adding in 15-20 minutes of walking to your daily routine can reduce your perceived stress, especially if you use the walking time for some mindfulness (that’s one of my favorite techniques). Walking around the neighborhood I just notice whatever I can. I don’t use the time to think of my grocery list, or what my kids are doing, but rather I focus on noticing the flowers, bushes, trees, cracks in the pavement etc.

Some tips to make it easier to add exercise into your day:

• Set yourself up for success - have whatever you need prepared beforehand. Have the clothes you will wear laid out. Fill your water bottle then night before. The more steps you can prepare ahead of time, the fewer opportunities you'll have to say "no."

• Schedule it - actually put it into your calendar with a notification. Scheduling time to take care of your physical and mental health is just as important as making time for family and friends.

• Don’t rely on feeling motivated - even if you don’t feel like it, get moving.

• Start small - if you don’t feel motivated, it’s disheartening to think of a long exercise session. Instead, tell yourself you’ll just go for 5 minutes and you can re-evaluate then. More often than not, once I’m started I can keep myself going.

• Don’t expect perfection - there are times I do stop at 5 minutes. That’s OK! Tomorrow is a new day and as long as you continue to follow your schedule, it won’t set you back to miss a day here or there.

• Share(AFTER you’ve completed your workout) - it can be motivating to share your achievements. However, it’s better not to tell people your plan beforehand, because our brain tricks us by feeling good when people praise us for the plan. Oddly, we're then less likely to actually start exercising because we already feel good! So share after you’ve accomplished something you are proud of, and only share with those who you know will give positive feedback.

Gratitude Journal

Even in the midst of unbelievable trials, we all have things that we can be grateful for. When we’re feeling overwhelmed, it’s easy to miss or forget those things and to focus on the pain instead. Just taking 5 minutes to write down (yes writing it is important) 3 things you were grateful for today can help to start changing your mindset. At first it can be really hard. You’re helping your brain remember how to notice the positive things. Keep at it and it will get easier, and you’ll have a notebook of good things to look at when you’re feeling down. A gratitude journal can be a very easy way to start changing your mind's pattern of negative thinking.

Social Connection

Talking to people you care about is underrated in its importance for mental health. Even if you aren’t talking about the stressors of life, just having that connection can help make the stressors feel more manageable. As noted in The Upside of Stress, one of our body’s stress responses is to make us seek out connection, to “tend and befriend.” For some people they just want to curl up into a ball and hide. Being able to counter that impulse and getting coffee with a friend, a relative, someone from church, or a coworker can help you to remember you are not alone.

Valued Living

By taking the time to identify the things that are important to you in life, it can be easier to prioritize your actions when feeling overwhelmed. Every day we make choices about how to spend our time and money. It’s not uncommon to have these choices dictated to us by circumstance, or social pressure (e.g., everybody else’s kid is in 3 sports so my kid must be too). I recently chatted with my friend about this as her 3 kids are getting to the age of organized sports and the challenge that puts on their value of quality family time. She feels pulled to choose between her kids not getting to play a sport in high school if they don’t have the constant training beforehand, and wanting time at home as a family to discuss school and life etc. While those decisions are never easy, it is so meaningful to intentionally choose to live in accordance with your values. At the end of the day you can look back and say you made progress on being the person you want to be. The thing about values is they always give you something to strive for and you have the opportunity to do a little better each and every day. Each day is a fresh start.I hope those extra techniques are helpful. If you’d like to discuss further or learn more about how we could work together specifically on your challenges, please schedule a free 30 minute consultation or reach out by phone or e-mail.

The Upside of Stress

“Chasing meaning is better than avoiding discomfort. Go after the meaning and trust yourself to handle the stress that follows.”

— Kelly McGonigal, PhD

If you’re reading this, chances are good that you have dealt with some stress or anxiety in your life. I don’t know if there are many people who could honestly say that they haven’t. Stress is a pretty universal experience in life, especially for moms juggling raising kids while staying sane! It’s hard enough keeping your own life in order, but to also have the responsibility for helping these little ones develop into well-adjusted adults, c’mon! When we’re feeling overwhelmed by the stress, it’s also pretty universal to wish we could make the stress just disappear. To view the stress as bad, and as something that we would like to avoid forever. That makes complete sense, especially when we know that high levels of stress can increase the likelihood of dying by 43%!! Wow!But… what if I told you it wasn’t the stress itself that caused the increased rate of death, but rather the BELIEF that stress is bad.That is the premise of The Upside of Stress, a book by one of my psychology heroes, Kelly McGonigal, PhD. She is a health psychologist and lecturer at Stanford University who has studied the effects of stress. While there are all sorts of studies to show a relationship between high levels of stress and negative health outcomes (e.g., likelihood of death, cardiovascular disease, illness, etc.), she has found that those individuals who do not perceive stress as harmful are at a lower risk for those issues. So there you go, just believe that stress is good for you and you’re cured! Okay, maybe it’s not quite that easy. I’ll go into detail on what Dr. McGonigal recommends for helping to adjust your perspective in a beneficial way after the video of her TED talk.  As I mentioned earlier, stress doesn’t exactly feel good, so we often go to great lengths to avoid it wherever we can. Unfortunately, when we try to avoid something, the rebound effect leads to it coming back even stronger. To see this for yourself, do NOT think of a pink elephant for the next 30 seconds. Yeah, so avoidance just ends up giving power to the thing we dislike, which is not exactly what we’re going for when trying to cope with stress better.To begin to conquer stress and change our perception, we must be willing to experience the emotion. My post on mindfulness talks more about being able to experience something non-judgmentally, without trying to change it. By allowing yourself to experience the stress, and by giving it space and saying it is okay to feel that way in that moment, it actually takes power away from the stress. You don't need to love the feeling, but rather just accept that it's what you're going through in this moment without pushing it away.

Stress and Meaning

Take a minute to think about the times in your life when you’ve grown the most as a person. Did you find these times easy, or stressful? For most of us, growth means going outside our comfort zone. This also means a willingness to tolerate the resultant stress.Being able to view stress as something that will bring more meaning to your life, rather than as an obstacle to be overcome, is helpful when trying to shift your perspective. The most stressful thing in my life is my children.I love Mary and Abigail to the ends of the earth, but there is no denying that they will be the cause of many gray hairs over the next few years. Are there times when part of me longs for the life we had before children, of course. But those moments are fleeting as I am able to step back and recognize the meaning that those little girls have brought to my life.I love being a father, and those stressful times are made a smidge easier when I view them as contributing to the development of two future adults (and my own personal growth as well!).

Responses to Stress

Dr. McGonigal identifies four possible responses to stress. She labels them:

• Threat response - This is what most people think of, which is the fight or flight reaction. This is how we respond to a life or death survival situation. Our bodies prepare us to fight off the threat, or to run away from it. The whole goal is to simply survive another day.

• Challenge response - This is when you encounter a demanding situation and need to rise to the occasion. You perceive that there is an obstacle to be overcome rather than a life threatening situation. In this case, you view your body’s reaction as normal, and that its purpose is creating energy for you to take action. The stress arousal becomes your fuel to overcome the challenge.

• Tend and befriend - The stress response releases oxytocin (the cuddle hormone) which causes you to seek social support, and increases your empathic awareness of others. This pushes you to share your experience with others, and to help support those who are experiencing their own challenges.

• Excite and delight - If you really look at the body’s reaction to stress, it is very similar to the body’s reaction to excitement. The only difference in the emotions is the mind’s perception of the body’s signals. It's like two sides of the same coin. Being able to view the response as excitement reduces your desire to try to avoid the stress. Consider two players getting pumped up before a big game. The one who views her reaction as excitement is likely going to perform better than the one who views it as anxiety about possibly messing up. This is where a little positive self-talk can come in handy. "I am feeling excited to tackle this challenge!"

Steps to Improve your stress coping

• Mindfulness - become aware of body's sensations and experience them non-judgmentally

• Accept things that can’t be changed and change the things that can

• Stay solution focused and take action:

  • Focus on your strengths and resources (we all have them, you just need to identify them)

  • Break the issue into smaller, actionable steps

  • Take one small step

  • Take another step

  • The Simple Catchphrase:

    • This is what this is like (mindful acceptance), now what needs to be done (adaptive action), take a step, reach out for support

    • Help someone else

Bonus: When you feel stress rising, ask yourself, what are my bigger than self goals and how is this an opportunity to serve them?Values: Write out your most important values (e.g., being a caring mother, being the friend who reaches out, etc.). Every evening jot down how the day’s events contributed to you living out those values.If you'd like to discuss your challenges more specifically, please schedule a free 30 minute consultation today. You can also give me a call at 727-498-1809 or shoot me an e-mail.