5 Easy Self-Care Tips for Busy Moms

Everybody knows that moms are stressed and busy with little time for self-care. Whether it’s staying at home and juggling watching the kids while keeping the house functioning.Or if it’s trying to spend quality time with the kids while also maintaining a job. There’s nothing easy about parenting, and we all end up carrying way more stress than we’d like.When silly psychologists like me suggest adding in self-care, it’s easy to laugh us in the face because “ain’t nobody got time for that”.That’s why I decided to put together 5 easy self-care activities a busy mom can fit into her schedule.

1. Visit the beach

2. Visualization

3. Use a gratitude journal

4. Exercise

5. Mindful drive

Visit the beach: Self-care for the family

Earlier this week our family had an impromptu beach trip. My wife was frustrated she got cancelled at work, and the stuff I worked on ended up being really annoying and I didn’t actually accomplish anything for all my efforts.If we stayed home, I’m sure we would’ve gotten on each others nerves and probably snapped at the kids a few times. Instead, we packed the kids into the car and went to the beach at Sand Key Park.It’s easy to take for granted that we live minutes from beaches that people will spend hundreds of dollars on travel and lodging to visit.I mean Clearwater Beach has been named the top beach in the country several times! We have the Dunedin Causeway beaches where you can actually drive onto the beach and park your car so you don’t need to lug things a quarter mile while making sure the kids don’t run off.So of course this involves putting together all the beach stuff and getting sun block on the kids. But there’s something about being with nature that is inherently relaxing. While there, make sure you take a few moments to truly feel and enjoy the sun, the breeze, the feel of the water on your skin. The water is nature's self-care.Those mindful moments can undo more stress than you’d imagine.

Visualize your relaxing place

If you aren’t able to actually visit the beach, finding a couple minutes to visualize your relaxing place can bring about a relaxation response.Close your eyes, take a couple deep breaths, and use all five senses to put yourself in your favorite calming setting. It could be a cabin in the woods, laying in a field of blue bonnets, or swinging in a hammock.The most important thing is to imagine the sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and sensations you would have if you were actually there.It may sound silly, but doing this actually lights up the same parts of the brain as when you’re physically in the situation! It’s the reason you see golfers pausing before they take a difficult shot. Visualizing themselves hitting the perfect shot is almost as good as taking a practice swing.Visualization is self-care you can do from the comfort of your own home.

Use a Gratitude Journal

Have a journal handy or a note app on your phone where you can write down a few things you are thankful for. During those stressful moments when the kids aren’t listening, it’s easy to focus on just how overwhelming and impossible motherhood is.When you get hooked into that state of mind, everything your kids do will just be another frustration adding fuel to the fire.Pausing to write down 3 to 5 things you’re grateful for in life (be specific) can help prevent your mind from going down that negative path. Even in the most difficult moments of our lives, we can often find ways to feel blessed.

Exercise

Self care helps moms cope with stress

No you shouldn’t leave your kids at home without supervision to go for a run, but you can include the kids in a 5 minutes of craziness exercise routine.Put on some tunes and have a dance party. Set a timer and have the kids run around being as loud as they can while you do jumping jacks or run in place. Do a few laps around the backyard while counting how many steps it takes, or noticing any wildlife.Doing this can both help you re-center yourself, but also it can actually help kids calm down a bit if they’ve been hyper.A lot of kids need to “speed up to slow down.” Just asking them to calm down doesn’t work, but physical activity sort of burns off the energy so they are more focused and easier to work with afterwards.This is one of our go-to methods to occupy the kids. We have a playlist built on YouTube with fun songs like the Witch Doctor, Hakuna Matata, and What Does the Fox Say (ugh) that we stream to the TV through our Chromecast.It auto-plays, so we can actually get some cleaning done while they’re dancing. More often than not though, we’re all twisting and jumping around together with lots of smiles and laughs. Self-care and entertaining the children... heck yeah!

Take a Mindful Drive

Self care for busy moms

I can’t claim credit for this one, it was my lovely wife who found it useful a couple weeks ago.The kids were getting on her nerves and they couldn’t go outside because of the weather, so she packed them into the car.Our youngest was occupied with a snack, while our 3-year-old found it was fun to pretend nap… until she saw the peacocks in Dunedin.Didn’t know that was a thing, but they all enjoyed watching the peacocks roam for awhile in relative peace and quiet!When people think of mindfulness, they often think of meditation. Of course, busy moms will say, “ain’t nobody got time for that.” But there is much more to mindfulness than meditation.All you need to do is focus on what’s around you in the present moment. Again, hard to focus when the kids are loud, but many kids who are going crazy at home will settle down for at least a few minutes in the car.Loading the kids up for the sole purpose of driving can be a short break for a busy mom.While you’re driving, instead of listening to music or talking to your kids while you’re frustrated, try noticing the beauty of your surroundings. Focus on the trees, the clouds, the feel of the steering wheel in your hands.Being in the present moment, mindful of what’s around you helps to calm the intrusive thoughts that are so often the cause of frustration or low self-esteem.The more often you’re able to practice being mindful, the more benefits you’ll notice in your daily life.Hope those five tips will help you during those frustrating times we all experience when watching the kids we love.If you think that they aren’t enough to really help you deal with the chronic underlying stress, please reach out for a free consultation. I’d love to chat with you about how your life could look. I currently have a few openings for new patients if we're a fit.Call me at 727-498-1809 or use the button below to schedule a consultation call.

Why I Help Moms

When I tell people that I specialize in therapy for moms, I’ve occasionally been asked why. I think the fact that I’m a guy makes it seem a little strange.It’s true. I can’t hide the fact that I’m a dude. A father. Distinctly NOT a mother.I mean, I have a mother, and my wife is a mother. But that’s not really the reason why I focus on helping overwhelmed moms overcome stress, anxiety, or depression.Of course I’ve always had tremendous respect for mothers.You are expected to do the job of 7 people while keeping a smile on your face and looking pretty to boot.It’s impossible.My respect grew even more during my experience while training to be a psychologist.

PAST EXPERIENCES WITH PATIENTS

There was a group of patients that I would leave session feeling like I learned at least as much as they did, if not more.That their strength in the face of adversity should be a beacon of hope for anybody going through a challenging time.This group always made the difficult work feel worthwhile.There were tears, and every single one was worth it. We had laughs, and every single one was earned.There was progress and setbacks, and every step of the way made me feel proud to be working with these patients.When I decided to open my own practice and was thinking about where to focus, it was pretty easy to figure out the commonality in those patients that I most enjoyed working with.They were mothers.

THE CHALLENGE OF MOTHERHOOD

Moms feel pain, but often can’t express it because it’s their job to keep the family happy.They feel overwhelmed, but they need to keep the trains running on schedule.Mothers worry about their husband and their children, but they do their best to be encouraging to ensure everyone else thinks positively.It’s unfair for moms to shoulder this burden alone.I hear about spouses that try to provide solutions instead of validation. Spouses who don’t recognize that anything is wrong because moms can be amazing actresses.So many mothers cannot find a safe place to get the support they need to continue doing that job well.That’s where I come in.It’s my mission to provide a safe, comfortable place where moms can receive validation and guidance on how to overcome the stress, anxiety, worry, or depression that is sapping their joy.You deserve to feel joy.

You deserve to enjoy being a mom, a wife, a woman.

HOW I CAN HELP

The first issue when working with any patient is learning that there is hope. After things have been going wrong for so long, it’s often hard to imagine that things could ever be better.While struggles are common, the fact is that many mothers are able to find their own way to balance family, work, social life, relationship, etc.You can too!It’s a matter of working together to figure out exactly what it would look like in your case, and it’s my job to help you see pretty early on that A) it can happen and B) understand the roadmap we can take to get there.Once you see that a better life is possible, then we can get into the nuts and bolts of turning things around. It’s hard to give a step by step of what this looks like because it’s different for every patient… because every patient is unique and has different life experiences.In general, we’ll work together to help you identify the things in life that are important to you (your values). We’ll see where things are going well and where you’re not quite meeting your own expectations.We’ll help you to develop coping skills (e.g., deep breathing, relaxation, dealing with negative thoughts, etc.) to make the times you feel overwhelmed a little bit easier to tolerate.We will work to create new relationships with difficult thoughts, so you can focus on the things you enjoy rather than always being distracted. This typically has the added benefit of improving self-esteem since those voices so often make us feel bad about ourselves.We will identify where fear is shrinking your life, and help you build the confidence to grow your comfort zone.Throughout, we will brainstorm and problem solve to overcome any obstacles that are getting in the way of progress.I cannot promise successful treatment, but I can promise that I’ll be alongside you every step of the way, working at least as hard as you.

You deserve to feel joy.

To feel peace.

To enjoy your family.

If you’ve been struggling for too long and are ready to see how things can be different. Consider scheduling a free consultation. I’d love to chat with you about how working together could help. And if we’re not a good fit, I’ll provide references to someone who is better able to help.I have a few openings for new patients in my Palm Harbor counseling office, so if you’re ready to start the path towards enjoying life again, reach out today.

Stress: How Smart Phones Are Ruining Your Life

It’s 3am. You’ve been lying in bed for 15 minutes after your overnight trip to the bathroom. It hits you. The urge to see what’s been posted to Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, Instagram, or whatever social media platform you belong to.You can tell you’re not falling asleep right now, so what’s the harm in spending 10 minutes on the phone while you get tired? Suddenly it’s 4am and you woke your partner after laughing at a funny YouTube cat video. Oops.If you resemble this story, you aren’t alone by any stretch of the imagination. According to Statista, there are over 2 billion smart phone users across the globe and that includes 77 percent of Americans. According to eMarketer, the average user spends approximately 4 hours on their phone every day.Smart phones make it easier than ever to keep up with old high school friends, find a new recipe for dinner, or learn how to change your own oil. Unfortunately, the ability to have all the information in the world at our fingertips also comes with some drawbacks such as poor sleep, addiction, and even anxiety.

Smart Phones Impair your Sleep

As in the example above, who hasn’t checked their phone during an overnight awakening? This habit could be costing you valuable sleep time!Smartphones emit blue light. Blue light is the same type of light provided by the sun, which is interpreted by our brains as, “time to be awake doing things!” That’s not exactly the message you want to be sending your brain in the middle of the night.That’s why it’s recommended that you put down your smartphone an hour before you intend to fall asleep and do not check it in the middle of the night. Ideally, it’d be in another room, but we all know that isn’t happening.Try and maintain a consistent bedtime routine that involves calming activities and cut out devices that emit blue light in favor of books, magazines, kindle, music, etc.

Smart Phones Demand Your Attention

With the prevalence of dinner table phone-checking, some families and friend groups have resorted to making a game out of not touching their phones. The first person to reach for their phone picks up the entire check.This game could sound fun to you if you’re a bit older, or it could be torture for you if you’re a millennial. In any event, the purpose is to encourage conversation and remaining in the present moment with your dinner party.It’s not unusual for our family to all be in the same room together, with each person captivated by their individual device. While reading the latest updates around the world, we are missing out on life in the present moment.Aren't the family, friends, and others around us worth our focus?

Why Can’t We Put the Phone Down?

Every time we see a new notification, get an e-mail, or read the latest news, our brain emits a hit of dopamine. Dopamine is the feel-good chemical in the brain that we enjoy while doing something pleasurable.It’s also what drug addicts are searching for when they use more and more of their drug of choice. That's right, smartphones provide some of the same addictive properties as illicit drugs!Thankfully you don’t need to be out on the street at 3am to get your hit, but smartphone addiction can still negatively impact your life.

The Smart Phone Diet to reduce stress

Just like someone addicted to drugs or alcohol can find ways to cope and live a full life, you too can find ways to reduce the impact of smartphone addiction.But first, you may want to take a few minutes just to think about how your smartphone use is impacting your life.If you’re one of those who is struggling in relationships because one or both of you are always on the phone, or if you’re losing sleep because you need to know what’s going on in the world, then these tips can help free you of the burden from smartphone addiction.

• Schedule screen-free timeHave one day a week be dedicated to present moment awareness. Keep the phone on the charger and enjoy a day with your family and friends, free of the smartphone distraction. Use this time to notice the beautiful little things in life, and to have meaningful conversations that deepen relationships.

• Delete apps that hook youIf you know that Facebook is the app that always has you reaching for the phone, delete it. You can always re-download it, but that process will take a few minutes and you might decide it isn’t worth it right now. You might even choose to take a longer break from that app and see how it affects your life. A few times I’ve given up Twitter for lent, and somehow, I survived. You can too!

• Make it difficult to access during times you need to focusWhen you have a task that needs your focus, it’s too tempting to have your phone in your pocket. Every interruption takes approximately 25 minutes to recover from when trying to re-focus. You can avoid this problem by having your phone someplace difficult to reach during your focus time.

• Ask for helpHaving an accountability partner can be so helpful in breaking free. You may not even realize when you pick up the phone because it’s an ingrained habit, but your partner, kids, or friend can point it out to you. Your desire to change may even prompt your loved ones to try it as well!

Now that you’ve given yourself some space from that constant urge to reach for the phone, you can find positive ways to fill the extra hours in your day.Rewarding yourself by engaging in meaningful activities will be the best decision you ever made. Think about it, on your 80th birthday will you be reflecting on all those Facebook statuses you read, or the quality moments you had with your family?It’s never too late to begin to add more of those valuable memories you can cherish for a lifetime.If you've been struggling with addiction to your smart phone, or aren't sure why you're feeling so overwhelmed with stress, please reach out for a free consultation. I'd love to chat with you about what you can be doing to start taking control of your life again. I have a few spots available in my practice, so if we're a good fit, we can discuss what that would look like.

Address Physical Symptoms of Anxiety

I was featured recently in an article on how to address physical symptoms of anxiety. You can check out the full article in Bustle. Here's a snippet:

“Deep breathing can be a very quick, and effective way to stop an anxious response before it accelerates. “During moments of anxiety, your brain’s fight-or-flight mechanism is activated,” Kevin Hyde, licensed psychologist tells Bustle.”

The article features many other techniques as well, including:

• Add self-care into your daily routine
• Take a pause to notice your thoughts
• Avoid caffeine, nicotine, and other substances that are intended to give you energy - they often fuel our anxiety response
• Engage in acts of kindness towards others, and yourself!

If you're interested in discussing how to work these strategies into your life to help address your stress, worry, and anxiety, please reach out for a free consultation. I'd love to chat with you so you can see what your life could look like when you start to take control again. I have a couple slots open in my practice if we decide we're a good fit.

This is Us - Lessons from William Hill

This article has spoilers from the show This is Us. If you don’t wish to know events from later in the series, please stop reading here.My wife and I are a little late to the game in discovering the NBC show This is Us (we rarely get to watch TV due to having a couple little ones), but we finally started watching.As with the rest of America, we’ve been captivated by the family dynamics, and the obvious affection the characters have for each other. In particular, I fell in love with William.The biological father that Randall finally just met at 36 years of age, and at a time when William is already in the end stages of cancer.The portrayal of William, a former drug addict who dropped his newborn baby off on the doorstep of a fire station, gives humanity to a person our society would often shun.We don’t give many drug addicts a second chance. Someone who gives up a baby can’t be trusted.An elderly person in the final stages of cancer is typically hidden away in a nursing home so we can avoid the discomfort of watching them die.I couldn’t help but learn a few lessons from his story, and the insights he provided into the process of dying.

Small Kindnesses Have Large Impacts

After William’s death, Randall is struck by the emotional reaction from people he’s known for years, but barely knew. The mailman dropped off a package and inquired about William, and Randall shared the news of William’s recent passing.Randall appears dumbfounded when the mail carrier broke into tears and told of William’s kindness in chatting with him each morning. How in those short times together, they struck up a friendship.It was clear how much he appreciated that William treated him as a human being, and was willing to spend time to learn about his family, while most people just view their mail carrier as the person who drops off the bills or latest Amazon order.It is truly amazing the impact we can have just by showing kindness to another human beings A smile, “hello,” or “how are you doing,” to a complete stranger can change the course of their day if they’ve been in a bad mood. Although I tend to be pretty shy, I try to use this example and be conscious of showing kindness to others when I’m out and about.And the cherry on top is that altruism has even been shown to improve your own mood as well. Help others to help yourself!

Appreciate The Little Things

My favorite scene in the series is in the Pilgrim Rick episode, when William was speaking with Olivia Maine on the front porch, and she asks, “how does it feel to be dying?” William replies,

“It feels... like all these beautiful pieces of life are flying around me and I’m trying to catch them. When my granddaughter falls asleep in my lap I try to catch the feeling of her breathing against me. When I make my son laugh I try to catch the sound of him laughing-how it rolls up from his chest... but the pieces are moving faster now and I can’t catch them all. I can feel them slipping through my fingertips. And soon where there used to be my granddaughter breathing and my son laughing, there will be nothing. I know it feels like you have all the time in the world, but you don’t, so stop playing it so cool. Catch the moments of your life, catch them while you’re young and quick, because sooner than you know it, you’ll be old and slow... and there’ll be no more of them to catch.”

I mean, how beautiful is that?I’ve found that as we age, life tends to sweep us into the moving river of paying bills, keeping the yard tidy, doing chores, working, trying to keep the little ones happy etc., and we can forget to pay attention to where we are or what we’re doing.We're so busy with the day-to-day minutia, we even stop contemplating the meaning of life or envisioning how to live out our dreams. I know my 17-year-old self wishes I had more time to plan adventures and check items off the bucket list these days.So often we’re ruminating on things that happened to us or worrying about what’s coming next that we are never living in the present.We don’t even recognize that there are beautiful pieces flying around us every day, let alone contemplating how to catch them.Learning how to be mindful during the most mundane tasks can open our awareness to the beauty of life. Mindfulness helps us to stop living in the past or future and begin to spend time in the present moment.So slow things down today and try to notice one or two of the beautiful pieces in your life. You’d be surprised by how far gratitude can take you.

Relationships Are More Important Than Things

The final lesson from William is that you can live a fulfilling life without keeping up with the Joneses. William was blessed with the ability and the desire to form deep relationships with the people in his life.From the mailman, to the son he only met at the end of his life, to the addict he befriended by pretending to enjoy football, he valued the human connection that arises from intimacy and vulnerability.William did not shy away from his troubled past.He shared that information because he understood that those experiences are just part of who he is as a person, and that by opening up about his own failures, others would be more likely to be willing to trust and share their own challenges.He allowed others the opportunity to be vulnerable without being judged, because he knew from personal experience how that is the key to a life well-lived.Nobody on their death bed asks to see a picture of their Mercedes or to look over their resume. They ask for the people that mattered to them throughout their life.

They regret not having time for their spouse, kids, or friends.

Take a moment to consider the people you value and how you can show them they matter. Schedule time to deepen those relationships and create lasting memories that will mean so much more to you (and them) than a bigger boat.If you’ve read this far, I hope you’ve gained a little appreciation for the lessons taught by William Hill. We can all stand to use him as an example of overcoming challenges and finding happiness and peace in the end.If you’ve struggled to overcome obstacles and would like a little extra help, please reach out for a free consultation. I have a few open slots in my practice and I’d love to discuss how we could work together to help you reach your goals.

How Do I Not Burden My Family?

Millions of people are coping with mental health issues at this very moment. It could be anxiety, depression, ADHD, or chronic stress. It’s pretty common to walk through life shouldering these burdens by ourselves.Nobody wants to burden family, friends, or acquaintances with their problems. Moms especially tend to shoulder this burden themselves.Unfortunately, this means that the majority of people with mental health concerns end up not receiving appropriate treatment or support. Only one-third of those with a diagnosable anxiety disorder reach out for help!Would you not visit the emergency room for a broken ankle because it would be a burden? Would you not visit the dentist for a tooth infection because it would be a burden? Would you not visit the doctor for a new, discolored mole on your skin because you’re just too busy?Sadly, we often take our physical health concerns more seriously than our mental health struggles, when both are important, and both can be debilitating.

Why don’t we share?

We fear that nobody will understand what we’re going through.We fear that someone will tell us we don’t have it that bad or to just suck it up.We fear we are going to bring everyone else down with us if we open up about just how messed up we feel inside.The common theme among those fears is that we assume we know what others will think, feel, or do when we tell them our struggles. That’s called mind-reading. I don’t know about you, but I’ve learned I am no Miss Cleo, so my efforts at mind-reading are laughable.These statements are stories your mind tells you because of your anxiety or depression. To take those stories at face value is like believing everything a used car salesman is telling you! You’ll want some evidence to verify them before handing over your bank account.Now take a second and think about the last time a friend or family member reached out to you and truly asked for your help. They showed vulnerability and said it’s too much for me right now, I want to share this with you. How did you react? What did it feel like to help?Most of my patients tell me they feel honored that someone has trusted them enough to share a difficulty. They say that it felt good to be able to help someone they cared about, even if it was just by listening and empathizing with their experience.It felt good!So that means that by NOT sharing your challenges with someone you trust, you are DENYING THEM THE OPPORTUNITY TO FEEL GOOD!The burden on our loved ones actually comes from them seeing us struggle and not having any idea why. Opening up about what you are feeling helps them to understand why you’ve been exhausted, staying in bed more often, snapping more easily, or forgetting details.Beginning to share your story will no more burden your family, than lifting a 10-pound weight for 12 reps will make you a muscle-bound freak. To build muscle takes time and effort, and that’s what it takes to burden our loved ones as well.

Why to share your story

There are so many reasons to share your struggles, not the least of which is that the simple act of telling someone what’s been running through your head takes away some of the power those thoughts have.So many people tell me they were anxious or even terrified to speak of their mental health issues, but it was an immediate relief to have it out in the open. Holding those thoughts and feelings in takes a toll on you physically and emotionally.You’d likely be surprised how often the response is, “I’ve been through that too.” None of us walk around with signs over our head that say “anxiety” or “depression” or “ADHD,” so we end up feeling alone in our struggles. Not realizing our neighbor, best friend, or co-worker has dealt with something similar in the past.While just feeling heard and understood can help, it’s also possible that someone might actually be able to help! Whether it’s problem solving, providing information on a helpful resource, or giving the name of a good therapist, having another set of eyes on our problems can give us options we never would’ve considered on our own.When either my wife or I have gone through particularly stressful times, the other is more than happy to take on extra responsibilities around the house or with the kids. Having one fewer thing to worry about can mean more than you realize.

How to open up

You aren’t going to tell your mail carrier about your worries that you’re a bad mother. However, when you really think about all the people you know, I’m guessing you can think of one or two that would be trustworthy and caring with your information.For many of us, this begins with our romantic partner. While you worry about burdening them, remember that they will likely feel relieved to finally understand what’s been on your mind. Chances are they’ve noticed you struggling.Be willing to directly state what you need.Men especially tend to jump into problem solving mode, when you might just need them to listen and understand. Let them know ahead of time what you most need in that moment. And it can change from moment to moment!This open communication on how to help is important so that you don’t feel invalidated by their response.

Mindset

The final piece I want to leave you with is that you are important!When you’re on an airplane, they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on first before helping others. If you pass out because you tried to put someone else’s mask on before your own, you wouldn’t be much help!The same thing goes for the rest of life as well. As much as we put others before ourselves, especially our children, it only works as long as we are fully functioning. Once we’re struggling to keep our own heads above water, it becomes a bigger stressor to try and keep others afloat as well.By keeping your struggles to yourself, you are not able to be as helpful to people as you'd like! When you share with others, you are allowing yourself to be important, and asking that others at least acknowledge what you are going through.Regardless of whether you decide to share those internal struggles, please remember to prioritize your own physical and mental health! At the very least, it allows you to better help those you care about most, and can reduce the weight of the stress, anxiety, worry, or depression you're carrying. Schedule self-care activities each week so you don’t fall prey to neglecting yourself.Do you miss coffee with a girlfriend? Trivia night with the boys? Maybe it’s a warm bath. It could be exercise or meditation. What you do for self-care is up to you. As Nike says, just do it. It’s important.If you’ve been struggling for awhile and feel like it wouldn’t be enough to share with just family or friends, please reach out for a free consultation. I’d love to help you see that there is hope. You deserve to feel joy again.

How to Stop Those Pesky Negative Thoughts

You had a good day. Got the kids to bed without too much fuss and they didn’t kill each other. Enjoyed dinner with the family and it felt like things were going well.Then it happens. Out of nowhere, the little dark angel in your head reminds you of how yesterday wasn’t so hot. In fact, it says that yesterday you were a failure as a mother.It starts off quiet, but before you know it, all you can think about is the many mistakes you’ve made. You focus on how everybody else is a better parent than you.You know your kids are going to be messed up as adults because of your screw ups!!You try to ignore it and think about something else. You tell it to leave you alone. It seems to come back stronger every time.It just won’t stop.If that story resonates with you, then I hope you’ll find this article useful in helping you to take some of the power away from that dark voice in your head. Because even though we can’t always get rid of it, we can find ways to live a good life in spite of it. Your emotions do not need to be controlled by those negative voices.I want to help you learn to DEFUSE from those negative thoughts.

What in the heck does it mean to defuse?

When you think something and you believe it 100% such that it controls your emotions and your behavior, we can say you are fused with that thought. This is our natural tendency since we generally believe our thoughts. I mean, why wouldn’t we trust our own head when it’s been with us our entire lives?What if I told you that your mind lies to you…It’s true. You can think things that are not true. Try it for yourself. Picture yourself doing 10 pushups right now while you’re sitting here reading this blog. Can you feel the burn?See, you can THINK something that is not actually reality. In fact, your mind does this to you dozens of times every day and you just aren’t AWARE of it!Let me say that again. Your mind is constantly coming up with stories about who you are that are not inherently true. You just don’t question it because you are so used to fusing with those stories!

Can I stop fusing with these negative thoughts?

Yes you can!But first, you need to become aware that it is happening. Building the skill of mindful awareness will help you recognize your thoughts as thoughts.Pause for a second and notice what’s going through your head for the next 15 seconds.Did your mind drift? Did it think of anything emotionally charged? Did it stay focused on the present experience, or go into planning mode? What was your mind doing while you paused?When you’re not used to doing this it can be a) difficult and b) a little scary. It takes practice to notice our thoughts.You might want to start by using emotion as a cue. When you begin to feel a strong emotion, take a pause and notice what your mind is saying.It might give you pictures, or phrases, or maybe even sound like your mother. Just begin to notice how your mind speaks to you, and causes an emotional response. That is fusion in action.Check out my post on mindfulness meditation if you want to learn more about developing this very useful  skill.

What to do once you’ve noticed the thought

Okay, so you’ve taken your pause and recognize your mind just told you a story. Now, recognize what a thought actually is. (Technically, it’s a bunch of cells in your brain having an electrical and chemical response to a stimulus, but you can ignore that.) For our purposes, a thought is… A THOUGHT. Duh.A thought is a thought. It’s not real. You can’t touch a thought. It can’t make you do something. It’s just a thought.Just as you thought about doing 10 pushups earlier and didn’t get any stronger, you can have this thought and not do anything about it.Usually, you have a thought, believe it, it affects your emotions, and it affects your behavior. For example, maybe you thought, “I’m a bad wife and mother,” so you felt sad/depressed, and because you felt that way you curled up in bed rather than talking to your spouse about the day. That pattern can play out a million different ways, but it typically results in trying to avoid the negative thought, trying to avoid the negative emotion, and behaviors that only make the thoughts and emotions more powerful.Defusion can help disrupt that pattern!Noticing that you’re having a thought, and recognizing that the thought is a thought which has no inherent power to make you do anything helps separate you from just believing the thought. Here is a short video that illustrates this concept. 

Other tools to help defuse from negative thoughts

So I just told you that a thought is a thought and blew your mind. Now I’m going to tell you that a word is just a word and rock your whole world!We give meaning to words because that’s how language works. But a word is just a collection of letters and sounds, and has no meaning by itself. Don’t believe me? Go to China and ask for a watermelon. They won’t understand, right?Watermelon only has meaning in English because we’ve learned over the course of our lives that it’s a green fruit with pink flesh that is refreshing on a hot Florida day. Without that learning and context, watermelon is just a collection of letters and sounds.Now that you know this, you can take advantage of it by taking those negative thoughts you’re fused to and turning them back into meaningless collections of letters and sounds.Do that by singing it in a song! Use the tune of the happy birthday song (don't worry, it’s not copyrighted anymore so you won’t need to pay any royalties) and repeat your mind’s story.I’m a loooooser, I’m a looooser, I’m a loooooooooser, I’m a loooooooser.It is really hard to take our mind seriously when it’s singing a silly song! You can even have Mickey Mouse sing the song! With that funny voice, it gives the thought even less credibility.Or even without a character or a song, just say the thought over and over and over and over. When you say something repeatedly, it begins to lose any meaning associated with it.Try it yourself: Say bowl one time. I’m guessing you also pictured something that matches your notion of a bowl. Now say bowl repeatedly for the next 30 seconds. Were you still picturing your ideal bowl at the end of the exercise?A word is just a collection of letters and sounds and only has meaning because we have learned that it has meaning. Repeat your thought over and over and over and it turns back into a collection of letters and sounds removed from the meaning.

One last tip to help defuse from negative thoughts

Say you’ve tried the techniques I just discussed, and the thought is still knocking around your head. The final tip here is simply to acknowledge that the thought exists, “thank you, mind,” and continue doing what is important and meaningful to you.It can be helpful to imagine that you’re a bus driver and your thoughts are passengers. Some are courteous, and others throw spitballs at your head. You know none of the passengers can actually physically hurt you because they are just thoughts. Your job is to continue driving the bus towards your values… those things that you find important and meaningful. If the rowdy passengers are throwing paper airplanes and shouting in your ear, you simply say, “thank you, you can return to your seat now,” while continuing to keep the bus on track.This committed action to doing the things you find meaningful makes it harder for those negative thoughts to continue to control you. You are taking control by choosing to do things rather than simply avoid the thoughts and emotions. That is so powerful.I know this concept can be a bit confusing, so I encourage you to reach out if you have any questions or need clarification (kevin@hydepsychology.com, 727-498-1809). And if you're ready to get to work in taking back control of your life, please schedule a free 30 minute consultation today.

Why is Parenting So Hard?

There is no denying it. Parenting. Is. Hard.My wife and I have split working and caregiving duties at various times, so we both gained a healthy respect for the challenges and blessings of both sides.Working is difficult because you miss the kids, but you often get socialization and adult conversations throughout the day.Staying home is rewarding for the closeness that develops between parent and child, but there is very little rest and you start to wonder whether your conversational ability is going to be stuck at a 3 year old level forever.It’s so difficult to get that perfect balance of family, work, social, and personal life that lead to feeling fulfilled and happy.But people have been raising kids successfully for thousands of years, why is it so hard for me?

Social comparisons

I’m not saying parenting was easier for earlier generations, but they had different challenges than we have today.For one, our parents and grandparents weren’t able to compare their parenting experience with as many other people.There was no Facebook, or Instagram to make them wonder why everybody else is going to Disney World while they backyard camped to save money.With social media you begin to compare your daily life with everybody else’s highlight reel!I’m guessing you don’t post every struggle with your child, but focus on posting the fun, happy, extreme events that will make others jealous.Yeah? So remember that when you see a former high school classmate posting her amazing Pinterest creation while your ladybug cake looks more like a deformed cockroach.You don’t post your failures, and neither do your friends.This is an area where a good parenting group can be so helpful.I say “good” because it needs to be a safe place where people share their failures and help each other to recognize that we all struggle, and well have failures, and we all have some really cute moments as well.A group where everybody puts on their happy face and denies any challenges and talks about how their kids are all perfect little angels… GET THE HECK OUT OF THERE, IMMEDIATELY! That is The Stepford Wives and not real life!Churches, Meetup.com, PTAs, and the YMCA are some resources to look into for finding a good parenting group near you.

Keeping to yourself

This goes hand in hand with my recommendation for finding a parenting group.There are times when I’m watching the girls that I feel like a complete failure.I wonder why there wasn’t a test required before becoming a parent… and then I’m thankful there wasn’t because I might have failed!It’s impossible to be good at everything, which means we’re all going to screw up eventually.We’re going to have days we don’t want to get out of bed, or that we snap at our kids for no apparent reason.When we keep these feelings to ourselves, we can continue to live in a world where outwardly we are perfect and content, while inwardly we are fighting to stay afloat.We end up stuck on a lonely island where we can never get validation from others that these feelings are normal.Having someone you can open up to and share your thoughts with, who won’t just try to solve your problems or dismiss your concerns, is crucial. It can be your mother, your best friend, a therapist, or even a stranger on the internet (e.g., www.reddit.com/r/parenting, www.reddit.com/anxiety ).Opening up and sharing the burden lightens the load on our shoulders and helps us to feel normal again.I assure you, if you’re thinking or feeling something, there is a 99% likelihood someone else has felt the same way.It doesn’t seem like much, but just hearing “I’ve been there” can lift a huge weight off your shoulders.Even when it seems like there is no solution to your challenges, think about finding someone to share with.

What do we do about our parenting struggles?

There is no one size fits all solution to the challenges of raising a successful, happy family.Nor can we wave a magic wand and make your stress, worry, or anxiety disappear overnight.I wish I could, truly I do. There are small changes you can make today to start moving in the direction of feeling joy again though!

• Cut back on social media - Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram, etc. can all be great resources for keeping in touch with old friends, or finding activities and recipes. They can also suck the life right out of you if you’re not careful! Figure out how much time you really want to spend on these sites, and think about blocking any people who are adding negativity to your life.

• Adjust your expectations - Remember that while people aren’t posting their failures on your social media feeds, they are screwing up just as often as you. Let yourself be okay with screwing up now and then. The problem isn’t usually with the mistake, it’s how the mistake grabs onto your focus and leads to stress, worry, anxiety, and depression.

• Use a gratitude journal - Writing down 3 things you are thankful for each day helps you to remember that the day wasn’t all bad. Find very specific things you have to be grateful for and it lessens the impact of those mistakes you’ve made. Over time, this can make it easier for you to recognize the good things as you go about your day!

• Identify and use your support system - I can’t emphasize the importance of this enough. Make a list of the people in your life and start reconnecting with those who you miss, or that you would like to spend more time with. If you don’t feel your list of family, friends, or acquaintances will care about your struggles, a) you don’t know unless you’ve tried already, and b) it’s okay to find new sources of support. Use the resources I mentioned earlier to get connected with other parents to hear their struggles and you can share yours once you feel comfortable.

If you feel like you've tried these suggestions and more and it still wasn't enough, please consider reaching out for a free strategy call. We can discuss your specific situation, and help make a plan for getting you to your goals. I currently have a few slots available for new clients if we click and choose to go that route. As always, I'd love to hear from you, so please reach out if you have any questions to kevin@hydepsychology.com or 727-498-1809.

5 Tips for Getting a Good Night's Sleep

Improve Your Sleep To Improve Your Life!

Sleep is probably the most underappreciated aspect of health. The doc always tells us to eat less junk and more vegetables, and to move our bodies 150 minutes each week. We’re told that eating better and exercising improve our physical and mental health, which is true. So you work for one third of the day, and one third of the day you try and do healthy things like exercise, but what about that final third of the day. When we’re busy with deadlines, or our schedules are jam packed because of our kids’ sports, sleep is often the first thing we sacrifice. “I’ll make up for it when I’m dead,” is the common joke. Sadly, the joke has some truth to it since poor sleep can double your risk of death.Of course we always hear stories of Bill Clinton, Tim Cook, and others who notoriously only need 4-6 hours a night to recharge and still accomplish big things. We almost see it as a badge of honor, arguing with our friends and coworkers about who got less sleep the night before. If you sleep 4 hours and feel rested and are able to accomplish your scheduled tasks without biting your loved ones’ heads off, then you can stop reading right here because you are one of the lucky few! For the rest of us, averaging 7 to 9 hours of sleep each night is incredibly helpful in improving our physical and mental well-being. Approximately 30 percent of the population deals with insomnia. That is over 100,000,000 Americans who are regularly not hitting their target amount of sleep! Poor sleep can lead to increased likelihood of obesity, traffic accidents, as well as reduced work productivity.Here are some tips to help you make the most of the sleeping hours so you can enjoy your waking hours.

Sleep hygiene

Just like personal hygiene involves washing your body, brushing your teeth, clipping nails etc., sleep hygiene is how we describe a group of behaviors that promote healthy sleep.

• Naps - Try to eliminate or minimize any naps to ensure you are tired at bedtime. If you must nap, limit it to under 30 minutes.

• Caffeine - Limit your caffeine intake to earlier in the day. For me personally, I avoid any caffeine after noon, but for most people they say no caffeinated drinks after 2pm. You may also want limit your water intake before bed to reduce nighttime wakings due to a full bladder.

•  Bed Activities - Only use your bed for sleep and sex. That means no eating in bed, watching television, or surfing social media for hours. We want your body to build a strong connection that being in bed means it’s time for sleep. Adding in other stimulating activities can disrupt that connection.

• Electronics - Electronic devices such as televisions, smart phones, and tablets emit blue light, which sensors in the back of our eyes interpret as “the sun’s up, time to be awake!” For about an hour prior to bedtime try to limit your exposure to electronics. Alternatively, invest in blue light glasses that filter out the wakeful light.

• Bedtime routine - As much as possible, have a consistent bedtime and routine leading up to bedtime. Try to engage in relaxing activities in the hour before bedtime and have a regular schedule (e.g., shower, brush teeth, read, sleep). This helps your body recognize that you’re getting ready for sleep.

Get Comfortable

Most people sleep a little better when the room is on the cool side, but this is personal preference. Try out a few different temperatures and coverings to see which allows you to feel the most comfortable. Also contributing to your nighttime comfort is your bed and sheets. It can be tempting to scrimp on your mattress, but do you really want to go cheap on something where you spend one third of your life? Having a mattress that is the right amount of firm or soft and supports you adequately is crucial for ensuring quality sleep and minimizing pain in your back or neck in the morning. If you find your sheets scratchy, you probably aren’t going to sleep with them rubbing against you for 8 hours. Find bedding that makes it easier for you to reach the right temperature without irritating your skin. It’s also important to ensure the room is free from lights and noises that can disrupt your sleep. Having a fan or white noise machine can help reduce the impact of external noises.

Racing thoughts

The most common sleep issue people talk to me about is that their thoughts seem to race at bedtime. I don’t know what it is about our beds that lead to this, but it’s extremely common. Thankfully, this is often addressed with a couple different strategies that are easy to implement. The first is to have paper and pen next to your bed that you can write down the thoughts that are bothering you. Many people report that doing so almost feels like it pulls the thought from their head and puts it down on paper and reduces their sleep problems. It’s almost as if your mind knows it doesn’t need to focus on the thought because it’s on the paper so you can remember it in the morning. Similarly, new research has shown that writing out a To Do list for the next day makes it significantly easier to fall asleep. On the paper next to your bed, think about what you plan to do the next day and write it out. This again frees up your mind from trying to ensure you don’t forget an important task, and can help you fall asleep an average of 9 minutes sooner than not doing so!!

Relaxation techniques

Some people find it helpful to do deep breathing techniques, or a mindfulness meditation practice before going to sleep. These can put your body in a state of relaxation, which allows for easier sleep. Deep breathing takes less than a minute, so with a little practice you can be on your way to easier sleep. Although mindfulness meditation is not intended to promote relaxation, most people do find that it’s helpful in that regard. Bringing yourself into the present moment for 5 or 10 minutes before trying to fall asleep can also help to calm intrusive thoughts. Free apps such as Calm and Headspace provided guided meditations that make it easy for beginners and experienced meditators alike. 

Kids

Kids are my downfall. When Mary wakes me up after 3am I just cannot fall back asleep. We do everything we can to reduce her nighttime wakings… for the selfish reason of reducing my own nighttime wakings! If you have an infant, you're in for some sleep deprivation until they get into a routine that allows for sleeping through the night. If you have toddlers, there are some things you can try to reduce some of those nighttime intrusions.

• Do not have them in the bedroom or bed with you after the pediatrician recommended period (typically one year, but speak to your child's doctor).

• Ask yourselves these questions to try and understand the underlying issue: Is there a pattern? Is the child uncomfortable (e.g., hot or cold)? Are they having nightmares? Are they just looking for attention?

I’ll write an entire blog post about addressing the most common childhood sleep issues, but for now just do the best you can to proactively help your child address the issues you recognize.

Getting Yourself Back on Track

What do you do if you’ve had insomnia or sleep problems for awhile and need help getting back on track? You can use the techniques I mentioned above, and if that isn’t enough, I’d recommend speaking with your primary care provider or scheduling with a therapist who has experience working with sleep disorders. The American Academy of Family Physicians recommends Cognitive Behavior Therapy as the first line treatment over medication. Sleep medication is difficult to transition away from as the body often forms a dependence on it after a period of time. Cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia is a treatment specifically designed to help those struggling with chronic insomnia. With the guidance of a therapist, you work to address negative thoughts and behavioral patterns that are interfering with effective sleep. Although returning to a healthy, natural sleep pattern requires dedication, it pays off in terms of quality of life and life expectancy. I have never met a patient who regretted their decision to put in the effort to improve their sleep.If you're ready to take back your life and improve your sleep, or overcome stress and anxiety, please reach out and schedule a free consultation. If you have any questions, feel free to shoot me an e-mail at kevin@hydepsychology.com, or to give me a call at 727-498-1809.