Mommy Burnout: Supermom Complex

Supermom complex

We have an epidemic of supermom complex in our society. You may have never heard of it, but it can be a severe disorder that negatively impacts physical and mental health, as well as relationships. Supermom complex is when mom feels the need to be excellent at… everything. Parenting. Cleaning. Work. You name it and it must be perfect.

Isn’t perfection a good thing?

I’m not going to lie, it would be amazing to be perfect (I’m sure my wife wishes I were a little closer to perfect as well). That being said, my life became significantly easier when I realized just how unlikely I was to achieve perfection. And by that, I mean it is impossible. Perfection becomes a huge problem when it comes at the expense of our families and our own self-care.

• Tradeoffs – Life is filled with tradeoffs. When you choose to spend your time on one thing, you are not able to spend it on another. Spending your time to ensure perfection at work means less time for family.

• Perfection is subjective – Your definition of perfect is different from my definition (sorry, honey!). Supermoms define perfection at a level that is literally unattainable because it’s either all perfect or it’s wrong.

• Emotional consequences – Not reaching the level of perfection supermoms require often makes them feel like crap about themselves. Our mind starts to tell a lot of negative stories when we don’t live up to our own expectations. I can’t tell you how many supermoms have told me that, before bed, their mind says to them, “I’m not a good mom.”

Thankfully, there are ways to minimize the effects of supermom complex!

Recognize the Problem

The first step in addressing any problem is identifying that a problem even exists (take the mommy burnout quiz!). Do you feel constantly exhausted? Ever fantasize about getting a break from your spouse, kids, and housework? Do you often wonder how other moms do it all? If these questions are hitting a little close to home, I’m sorry to break the news to you, but you might be a victim of supermom complex.

The 80/20 Rule and Supermom

You may or may not have heard of the 80/20 rule. In business, 20% of your efforts will be the ones that return 80% of your profit. It’s key to identify those actions that fall into the 20% that achieve the highest return on investment to run an efficient business. This rule is also part of the reason why perfectionists struggle so much. The first 80% to complete a task will only take around 20% of the time and effort. However, as a task goes above the 80% perfection mark, it requires significantly more time and attention to complete. The final 20% as you approach perfect completion will take 80% of the total time and effort for the task! So, supermom, is a 20% improvement worth spending 4x as much time and effort? It can be helpful to remember the refrain, “perfect is the enemy of good.” This especially rings true when it comes at the expense of our own self-care or quality time with our families!

Use the 80/20 Rule to Your Advantage

While it’s a difficult adjustment for supermoms to make, the 80/20 rule can be used to make our jobs as parents a little easier in two ways. First, identify the 20% of tasks that will give you 80% of results with your family or your own self-care. Maybe making time to chauffeur to dance class or soccer games gives you quality time together in the car. Perhaps getting your morning exercise provides a bigger payoff than making the perfect breakfast spread for the family. Only you will know which activities will have the best return on investment.The second way to apply the 80/20 rule is giving yourself permission to slouch 20% of the time. Maybe you read books to your child five nights a week, but two nights you allow them to watch a movie. If it’s important to have fresh, organic food, do that 80% of the time while allowing a 20% break for pizza and soda.

Allowing yourself permission for imperfection in some areas helps prevent you from failing in the most important areas.

If you’re a supermom, then I know you’ve read this far because you could never let an article go only partially read (ha!). These are only a few of the ways you can start treating supermom complex, but some of the most important as well. I hope you’ll take a few moments to consider and prioritize the numerous tasks in your life. It only takes a few minutes to make small changes that focus your time and effort on those activities that provide you and your family the greatest satisfaction. And if you want a little extra help, please reach out and schedule a consultation. I'd love to chat with you about the ways we can work together and begin bringing a little peace to a chaotic world. 

Connection is Everything: 7 Tips to Build New Relationships

Our family is relatively new to Florida. It was July 2017 when we unloaded the POD and realized quickly that, despite the Washington, DC area being known for its heat and humidity, this was a whole new ballgame. Lift a chair and you sweat. Set the chair down and you just keep sweating.Thankfully, we had family who travelled to help unpack for our new lives in Florida. My wife was sure we moved to paradise, being just minutes from Clearwater Beach. It was a great week setting up, exploring the area, and especially heading to the beach together as a family.Then the out of town family left.It’s safe to say we underestimated the challenge of moving to a place where we had no family or friends or any connections at all really. Having two kids under the age of 3 meant we were playing on difficulty level HARD, to say the least.Making friends during the parenting stage of life isn’t the easiest thing in the world. Everybody seems to have their routine already in place and adding new people to the mix can throw things off. We’re all so busy with jobs and running the house that committing extra effort towards making a connection with a new person can seem like too much work. Aren’t our plates busy enough as it is?It didn’t take long for us to realize, we really can’t do this on our own.Social connection is the lifeblood of humanity, and we were struggling to find it despite spending (too much) time on social media.

Social Media

Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, Twitter, Snapchat, FaceTime. There are more ways than ever to connect with people these days. If you see a recipe that I’d like, you don’t need to wait a month until we bump into each other at the grocery store, you just text me the link. But seeing your nephews grow up through Instagram pictures isn’t quite the same as getting to wrestle with them in person.In spite of having a million and one ways to communicate, it’s easy to feel more disconnected than ever from the people we care about. We text each other instead of calling. We allow Facebook comments to stand in for coffee dates. We compare others’ highlight reels to our behind the scenes bloopers.While it’s great being able to see what your tangential connections from high school are up to these days, we’re losing some of the emotional connection in our relationships. Texting “I love you” to your spouse just isn’t the same as saying it while embracing and gazing into their eyes. Let’s resolve to use social media to complement our real-life connections rather than supplement them!But for those folks like us in a new town, social media can also help maintain old connections and find resources to develop new friendships!

Lessons learned

1. You can’t depend on others to reach out – It may be terrifying to make the first move (this sounds like I’m talking about dating ha!), but take the leap and invite, invite, invite. We tend to be more shy and introverted, so this has been a challenge. But even when the meetings haven’t turned into long-term friendships, they have been rewarding.

2. People are busy, so several declined offers doesn’t necessarily mean they aren’t interested – Piggybacking on the first lesson, try not to get too discouraged when people aren’t able to accept your invitations. You’re trying to break into established routines and once you do, it will get easier.

3. Communicate regularly with your support system, no matter how far away they are – Since you don’t have new friends yet, lean on those people you can trust. They may not be close enough for a hug, but FaceTime and Skype make virtual hugs a little less awkward. Feeling socially isolated can increase stress levels and lead to depression, so it’s important to be open with those who care.

4. Take advantage of the positive aspects of online connection (e.g. Meetup.com, Facebook parenting groups, Facebook church groups, Tampa Bay Moms Group etc.) – Social media isn’t all bad! It makes it easier to find others who share similar interests, or may be in the same situation as you. Again, put yourself out there and attend events to get face time and begin making connections.

5. Be patient, it’s a marathon and not a sprint – If you’re planning on sticking around the area for awhile, you are going to want quality friendships. If it takes awhile to find people you truly want to open up with, it will be worthwhile when you need support (hopefully a long time down the road).

6. Say yes whenever you can, even if you don’t feel like it – Unless you’re already booked, or it will really screw up your kids’ nap schedule, say yes to every event possible. Finding friends, like dating, is a numbers game. You need to meet a bunch of people to find the few who will fit with you.

7. Change your mindset – You have the opportunity to organically develop friendships that fit with your current stage of life. You aren’t stuck with toxic friends just because they’ve been there for years. You don’t need to try and make awkward small talk with a friend whose life path or values have diverged from your own. You can have a list of traits you’re looking for (or that you’d like to avoid) so your future friend cohort will fit perfectly. Perceiving the situation as an opportunity for growth rather than sad loneliness can make all the difference in your mental health.

I love to give a happy ending to the tale, but that's still a work in progress. We’re still learning lessons and building a social network. But we’re taking our own advice and reaching out more consistently and starting to hopefully see the beginning of what will eventually blossom into friendships. If you’re in a similar boat or want to share your own experience as a newbie in Florida, I’d love to hear from you. And if the process seems too overwhelming and stress inducing, then please reach out for a consultation. I would love to chat with you about paths that might be most helpful for you!

Mommy Burnout: How Values Can Help

When we think of overcoming stress, we typically think of cutting things from our to do list, learning strategies to help us relax, or dealing with the negative thoughts that run through our heads. All of those are useful tools in the fight against feeling overwhelmed, but they’re not the only things. They are missing a key ingredient: values.I would consider that list to be tactics that we use on the front lines. Identifying our core values provides the overall strategy. Values are the big picture. They define how we want to live our life. They are the compass heading that guides us in making small and big decisions alike. Being a parent is stressful and often focuses our attention on the minutiae so we neglect the big picture.Considering I never explored my own values until graduate school, it’s no surprise to me that many of the people I work with need a little help figuring out what I mean when I say, “values.” The good thing about that is the significant progress that often results from a few discussions and some reflective thinking!Once we recognize our core values and begin to change our actions to fit within that context we begin to feel that our lives are meaningful again.It might be shocking, but believing that you are contributing to a meaningful life is pretty effective at lowering perceived stress. This shift in mindset (that stress is a result of living out your values) can mean the difference between embracing stress as a force that is pushing you towards growth, or allowing stress to define you in a negative way.

VALUES: THE THINGS YOU WISH YOU WERE DOING BUT PROBABLY AREN’T RIGHT NOW

Dr. Russ Harris defines values as “desired qualities of behavior.” Vague enough?A simple exercise can help people understand the concept of values, since it is difficult to define.I want you to look ahead to your 80th birthday party. You are the person of honor and your family and friends have gathered to celebrate the life you’ve lived. Everybody will speak a bit about you and the ways you’ve impacted them, and the community around you.Who do you want to speak? What do you want them to say about the way you lived… the way you treated family… your work… what you did for fun… your spiritual life?The things you’d want them to focus on gives you a window into the values that you personally would consider contributing to a meaningful life.When thinking about your values it’s important not to fit them into society’s vision rather than your own. For example, just because society seems to value and pressure people to work long hours to climb the corporate ladder doesn’t mean that is YOUR value. You may place more importance on family and civic involvement and have no desire to become a manager.And that is okay! The important things is defining the things that are truly important to you in the different areas of life.Now that you’ve defined your values, what do we do with it?

Using Values to Create Meaning and Reduce Stress

Psychologist Kelly McGonigal, PhD identified that the PERCEPTION of stress is what leads to many health-related complications (e.g., obesity, mortality rates). Viewing stress as a problem is actually what causes health issues. While viewing stress as fueling growth shows no similar negative health consequences!And, of course, we change our perception of stress by giving it meaning through our values!When we see our actions as contributing to a bigger plan we’re less likely to feel burdened. In fact, trivial or repetitive/boring tasks can provide a sense of pride when we feel they are one small part of a puzzle that we value.Example time. Do you enjoy cleaning toilets? I certainly do not. I know it needs to get done because otherwise the bathroom will be nasty, but it’s not something I relish. In contrast, a housekeeper in the White House may view that boring task as one small piece of taking care of the president’s family that allows him to make big decisions.So take a few minutes to consider everything on your to-do list. How does each item contribute to living out your values? Reflecting on the bigger picture allows you to take pride in small accomplishments or milestones along the way.If you need a little guidance in identifying your values or figuring out what changes you need to make to live a more value-congruent life, please reach out for a free consultation. I’d love to chat about how we can get you closer to living a meaningful life.

The Do Nothing Challenge

We constantly feel pressured to add things to our schedule. Society seems to reward being busy and punish anyone who takes time for themselves. Moms are expected to put the family above all else. No wonder so many people neglect their own self-care when it would lead to negative judgments from others!You’re encouraged to work too much, schedule your kids in too many activities, and attend too many social events.Everything FEELS so important.How will your son ever play varsity baseball if he doesn’t play every season after the age of 5? What will your friends think if you tell them you’re taking some time for yourself?And when you do have down time, I’m guessing it’s spent keeping up with social media, reading the news, or engaging with your phone in some way. I know this struggle personally!

Why do we feel this need to fill every minute of our schedule?

1. Society has taught us that doing nothing means we’re lazy.2. We only feel good about ourselves when we’re productive and checking things off our endless “to-do” list.3. We see everybody else doing it, so that means we should too.4. Engaging in activities, even pointless activities, can keep us distracted from emotions like sadness, anxiety, or guilt. And if we just keep on doing, maybe those emotions will even go away.5. We’ve never learned how to do nothing so it’s uncomfortable.

Consequences of Doing Too Much

No matter what the reason for staying busy, the research has shown that little good comes from it. The chronic stress of always being on the go can lead to physical illness and diminished mental health.It’s probably no surprise to you that it can also lead to feeling exhausted and overwhelmed… All. The. Time.We always feel behind and never actually catch up. The to-do list seems to get longer even as we’re being productive.That busyness can interfere in relationships as well. How many times have you neglected date night because of the kids’ activities? Is quality time with your children spent mostly in the car?Relationships are unbelievably important to our health so consider whether you’re spending quality time or quantity time with those people you value the most.

Giving Yourself Permission to Do Nothing

We often jokingly challenge our 3-year-old daughter to quiet contests. At times it feels like the only way to get her to stop talking! And let me tell you, it’s a challenge for her even when it’s only for one minute.I’m going to offer you a similarly difficult challenge. When you’re done reading, or another time today that’s more convenient, force yourself to do nothing for five full minutes. It may sound easy on paper, but I’m betting it will be a true challenge in the moment.Use those five minutes to focus on your breathing. To notice things in the world around you that you typically take for granted. Scan your body and notice if there are any sensations, pains, discomforts, or tensions. Sit in stillness without the pressure of doing.Doing this for a few minutes every day can have surprising benefits to your physical and mental health. No, it won’t make all your stresses or anxieties disappear, but it’s one small piece of self-care that can help you begin to take back control of your life again.If you're feeling the stress of always being on the go and need a little help to slow down and overcome those challenges, please reach out and schedule a free strategy call. I have a few slots open in my practice and I'd love to help you reach your goals.Don't wait, start here

Are Kids Like an Ancient Torture Device?

Are Kids Like an Ancient Torture Device?

The answer is yes. Or no. Or... it depends on the day?Okay, so this one might get me into big trouble. Let me start out by saying that kids are awesome and I love my two little munchkins more than anything.Now that that’s out of the way… are kids like Chinese water torture?If that question horrified you, I apologize. It’s just a comparison that popped into my head one morning as my un-caffeinated brain was trying to keep our girls occupied when they had woken up way before the sun.Most of us are mature enough to admit that we can love our children very much despite them being overwhelming, and stressful, and worry-inducing at times.There are moments they absolutely melt your heart, and then there are the times you wonder why anybody would ever willingly have more children. Sometimes those moments are literally 10 seconds apart.

What is Chinese Water Torture?

Chinese water torture is an ancient torture method where you are restrained so you can’t move and then you’re placed below a device that slowly drips water onto you.Doesn’t sound so bad, right?On a hot day, this might even sound pleasant! Who wouldn’t want cool, refreshing water during the heat and humidity we experience from May to October?And in this torture, a few drips aren’t a problem. They don’t hurt. It’s not like it’s drowning you. Nobody is poking you with anything.You. Just. Can’t. Move.After some time passes, you begin to have some discomfort. Maybe a drip caused an itch. Well, you can’t move to satisfy the itch so your mind just focuses on it.After enough time passes, you realize that you have no control over your environment.Eventually, it gets to the point where you go mad because you just want the water to stop dripping on you. It will never stop until the higher powers decide to stop it.Your lack of ability to control your surroundings can actually  make you go crazy.

How does this apply to our kids?

During my brilliant, or crazy, morning epiphany, I arrived at this comparison because I didn’t find any single aspect of parenting to be rocket science. Yet the entire thing could be maddening.We have two girls under the age of four. Our oldest is only now starting to get into the “why?” phase, so I still haven’t even had to try and explain the meaning of the universe.I don’t need to run into burning buildings to save people. I don’t need to solve impossible mathematical equations.Overall, it’s not that hard to meet their needs… right?I mean I just plop some food down in front of them during the appropriate times. Ensure they’re drinking enough. Make sure all potty aspects are addressed. And watch them closely enough that they don’t do something to seriously harm themselves or burn the house down. It sure sounds easy enough… of course, the devil is in the details!Having one drip of water going down your face isn’t a big deal, but the inability to control your environment literally makes you go crazy after enough time passes.

My big realization was that while no one aspect of raising kids requires a college degree, you, the parent, have lost most of the control you once had over your life.

I was feeling such frustration that morning that I didn’t know how to explain. The kids weren’t doing anything defiant. They were actually playing pretty nicely together, so why did I feel so agitated?My ability to control my day was gone. I could not sleep in if I wanted because these kids needed me to watch them. I couldn’t watch an episode of Parks and Rec or read a book.It finally dawned on me that once you have kids, all those little things the kids require quickly add up to something that can be pretty overwhelming. You have a new boss who has taken control.And if we as parents don’t do something, we too can go mad just like the person subject to Chinese water torture.

How do we Avoid Going Crazy as Parents?

Here are 3 things you can do to avoid going crazy from lack of control.

1. Schedule self-care activities It’s important that we don’t let our kids completely define our identity. You were a person with interests and hobbies before kids, and it’s crucial that you find some way to stay connected with the previous you. Even as a single parent, there are creative ways to find some time for yourself.

2. Remember your values While I discussed the overwhelming nature of having so little control even though what you’re doing on a daily basis isn’t “difficult,” that perception of overwhelm can be reduced by stepping back and looking at the bigger picture. I bet you have designs on your children growing into well-rounded, productive adults someday? Knowing those factors is identifying your values. I know for me it’s maddening to feel stuck communicating at a 3-year-old level all day, but remembering that every little bit of teaching and modeling of good behavior is helping Mary develop into that future adult helps me stay grounded.

3. Find little winsTo help yourself believe those little things are working towards the long-term goal, it’s helpful to look for small wins along the way. If your kid didn’t hit her sibling in frustration when she would have one week ago, give yourself a pat on the back. If your son remembered to flush after using the bathroom, give yourself (and him) a big high five. Recognizing those periodic victories is helpful to prevent you from feeling burnout like the movie Groundhog Day. There is always progress, it may just be slower than you would like.

So, to wrap up, I’d appreciate if you didn’t tell all your friends that this weird psychologist guy said that kids are terrorists who torture us. But maybe you can share this blog post with them, so they can get some context to go along with the click bait title 😊If you’ve been struggling and feeling like the kids are running the show, please reach out for a free strategy call. I would love to hear about your struggles, and help you see that there is hope. I have a few spots available in my Palm Harbor therapy office, so please give me a call at 727-498-1809, or click the link below to schedule.

5 Easy Self-Care Tips for Busy Moms

Everybody knows that moms are stressed and busy with little time for self-care. Whether it’s staying at home and juggling watching the kids while keeping the house functioning.Or if it’s trying to spend quality time with the kids while also maintaining a job. There’s nothing easy about parenting, and we all end up carrying way more stress than we’d like.When silly psychologists like me suggest adding in self-care, it’s easy to laugh us in the face because “ain’t nobody got time for that”.That’s why I decided to put together 5 easy self-care activities a busy mom can fit into her schedule.

1. Visit the beach

2. Visualization

3. Use a gratitude journal

4. Exercise

5. Mindful drive

Visit the beach: Self-care for the family

Earlier this week our family had an impromptu beach trip. My wife was frustrated she got cancelled at work, and the stuff I worked on ended up being really annoying and I didn’t actually accomplish anything for all my efforts.If we stayed home, I’m sure we would’ve gotten on each others nerves and probably snapped at the kids a few times. Instead, we packed the kids into the car and went to the beach at Sand Key Park.It’s easy to take for granted that we live minutes from beaches that people will spend hundreds of dollars on travel and lodging to visit.I mean Clearwater Beach has been named the top beach in the country several times! We have the Dunedin Causeway beaches where you can actually drive onto the beach and park your car so you don’t need to lug things a quarter mile while making sure the kids don’t run off.So of course this involves putting together all the beach stuff and getting sun block on the kids. But there’s something about being with nature that is inherently relaxing. While there, make sure you take a few moments to truly feel and enjoy the sun, the breeze, the feel of the water on your skin. The water is nature's self-care.Those mindful moments can undo more stress than you’d imagine.

Visualize your relaxing place

If you aren’t able to actually visit the beach, finding a couple minutes to visualize your relaxing place can bring about a relaxation response.Close your eyes, take a couple deep breaths, and use all five senses to put yourself in your favorite calming setting. It could be a cabin in the woods, laying in a field of blue bonnets, or swinging in a hammock.The most important thing is to imagine the sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and sensations you would have if you were actually there.It may sound silly, but doing this actually lights up the same parts of the brain as when you’re physically in the situation! It’s the reason you see golfers pausing before they take a difficult shot. Visualizing themselves hitting the perfect shot is almost as good as taking a practice swing.Visualization is self-care you can do from the comfort of your own home.

Use a Gratitude Journal

Have a journal handy or a note app on your phone where you can write down a few things you are thankful for. During those stressful moments when the kids aren’t listening, it’s easy to focus on just how overwhelming and impossible motherhood is.When you get hooked into that state of mind, everything your kids do will just be another frustration adding fuel to the fire.Pausing to write down 3 to 5 things you’re grateful for in life (be specific) can help prevent your mind from going down that negative path. Even in the most difficult moments of our lives, we can often find ways to feel blessed.

Exercise

Self care helps moms cope with stress

No you shouldn’t leave your kids at home without supervision to go for a run, but you can include the kids in a 5 minutes of craziness exercise routine.Put on some tunes and have a dance party. Set a timer and have the kids run around being as loud as they can while you do jumping jacks or run in place. Do a few laps around the backyard while counting how many steps it takes, or noticing any wildlife.Doing this can both help you re-center yourself, but also it can actually help kids calm down a bit if they’ve been hyper.A lot of kids need to “speed up to slow down.” Just asking them to calm down doesn’t work, but physical activity sort of burns off the energy so they are more focused and easier to work with afterwards.This is one of our go-to methods to occupy the kids. We have a playlist built on YouTube with fun songs like the Witch Doctor, Hakuna Matata, and What Does the Fox Say (ugh) that we stream to the TV through our Chromecast.It auto-plays, so we can actually get some cleaning done while they’re dancing. More often than not though, we’re all twisting and jumping around together with lots of smiles and laughs. Self-care and entertaining the children... heck yeah!

Take a Mindful Drive

Self care for busy moms

I can’t claim credit for this one, it was my lovely wife who found it useful a couple weeks ago.The kids were getting on her nerves and they couldn’t go outside because of the weather, so she packed them into the car.Our youngest was occupied with a snack, while our 3-year-old found it was fun to pretend nap… until she saw the peacocks in Dunedin.Didn’t know that was a thing, but they all enjoyed watching the peacocks roam for awhile in relative peace and quiet!When people think of mindfulness, they often think of meditation. Of course, busy moms will say, “ain’t nobody got time for that.” But there is much more to mindfulness than meditation.All you need to do is focus on what’s around you in the present moment. Again, hard to focus when the kids are loud, but many kids who are going crazy at home will settle down for at least a few minutes in the car.Loading the kids up for the sole purpose of driving can be a short break for a busy mom.While you’re driving, instead of listening to music or talking to your kids while you’re frustrated, try noticing the beauty of your surroundings. Focus on the trees, the clouds, the feel of the steering wheel in your hands.Being in the present moment, mindful of what’s around you helps to calm the intrusive thoughts that are so often the cause of frustration or low self-esteem.The more often you’re able to practice being mindful, the more benefits you’ll notice in your daily life.Hope those five tips will help you during those frustrating times we all experience when watching the kids we love.If you think that they aren’t enough to really help you deal with the chronic underlying stress, please reach out for a free consultation. I’d love to chat with you about how your life could look. I currently have a few openings for new patients if we're a fit.Call me at 727-498-1809 or use the button below to schedule a consultation call.

Why I Help Moms

When I tell people that I specialize in therapy for moms, I’ve occasionally been asked why. I think the fact that I’m a guy makes it seem a little strange.It’s true. I can’t hide the fact that I’m a dude. A father. Distinctly NOT a mother.I mean, I have a mother, and my wife is a mother. But that’s not really the reason why I focus on helping overwhelmed moms overcome stress, anxiety, or depression.Of course I’ve always had tremendous respect for mothers.You are expected to do the job of 7 people while keeping a smile on your face and looking pretty to boot.It’s impossible.My respect grew even more during my experience while training to be a psychologist.

PAST EXPERIENCES WITH PATIENTS

There was a group of patients that I would leave session feeling like I learned at least as much as they did, if not more.That their strength in the face of adversity should be a beacon of hope for anybody going through a challenging time.This group always made the difficult work feel worthwhile.There were tears, and every single one was worth it. We had laughs, and every single one was earned.There was progress and setbacks, and every step of the way made me feel proud to be working with these patients.When I decided to open my own practice and was thinking about where to focus, it was pretty easy to figure out the commonality in those patients that I most enjoyed working with.They were mothers.

THE CHALLENGE OF MOTHERHOOD

Moms feel pain, but often can’t express it because it’s their job to keep the family happy.They feel overwhelmed, but they need to keep the trains running on schedule.Mothers worry about their husband and their children, but they do their best to be encouraging to ensure everyone else thinks positively.It’s unfair for moms to shoulder this burden alone.I hear about spouses that try to provide solutions instead of validation. Spouses who don’t recognize that anything is wrong because moms can be amazing actresses.So many mothers cannot find a safe place to get the support they need to continue doing that job well.That’s where I come in.It’s my mission to provide a safe, comfortable place where moms can receive validation and guidance on how to overcome the stress, anxiety, worry, or depression that is sapping their joy.You deserve to feel joy.

You deserve to enjoy being a mom, a wife, a woman.

HOW I CAN HELP

The first issue when working with any patient is learning that there is hope. After things have been going wrong for so long, it’s often hard to imagine that things could ever be better.While struggles are common, the fact is that many mothers are able to find their own way to balance family, work, social life, relationship, etc.You can too!It’s a matter of working together to figure out exactly what it would look like in your case, and it’s my job to help you see pretty early on that A) it can happen and B) understand the roadmap we can take to get there.Once you see that a better life is possible, then we can get into the nuts and bolts of turning things around. It’s hard to give a step by step of what this looks like because it’s different for every patient… because every patient is unique and has different life experiences.In general, we’ll work together to help you identify the things in life that are important to you (your values). We’ll see where things are going well and where you’re not quite meeting your own expectations.We’ll help you to develop coping skills (e.g., deep breathing, relaxation, dealing with negative thoughts, etc.) to make the times you feel overwhelmed a little bit easier to tolerate.We will work to create new relationships with difficult thoughts, so you can focus on the things you enjoy rather than always being distracted. This typically has the added benefit of improving self-esteem since those voices so often make us feel bad about ourselves.We will identify where fear is shrinking your life, and help you build the confidence to grow your comfort zone.Throughout, we will brainstorm and problem solve to overcome any obstacles that are getting in the way of progress.I cannot promise successful treatment, but I can promise that I’ll be alongside you every step of the way, working at least as hard as you.

You deserve to feel joy.

To feel peace.

To enjoy your family.

If you’ve been struggling for too long and are ready to see how things can be different. Consider scheduling a free consultation. I’d love to chat with you about how working together could help. And if we’re not a good fit, I’ll provide references to someone who is better able to help.I have a few openings for new patients in my Palm Harbor counseling office, so if you’re ready to start the path towards enjoying life again, reach out today.

Stress: How Smart Phones Are Ruining Your Life

It’s 3am. You’ve been lying in bed for 15 minutes after your overnight trip to the bathroom. It hits you. The urge to see what’s been posted to Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, Instagram, or whatever social media platform you belong to.You can tell you’re not falling asleep right now, so what’s the harm in spending 10 minutes on the phone while you get tired? Suddenly it’s 4am and you woke your partner after laughing at a funny YouTube cat video. Oops.If you resemble this story, you aren’t alone by any stretch of the imagination. According to Statista, there are over 2 billion smart phone users across the globe and that includes 77 percent of Americans. According to eMarketer, the average user spends approximately 4 hours on their phone every day.Smart phones make it easier than ever to keep up with old high school friends, find a new recipe for dinner, or learn how to change your own oil. Unfortunately, the ability to have all the information in the world at our fingertips also comes with some drawbacks such as poor sleep, addiction, and even anxiety.

Smart Phones Impair your Sleep

As in the example above, who hasn’t checked their phone during an overnight awakening? This habit could be costing you valuable sleep time!Smartphones emit blue light. Blue light is the same type of light provided by the sun, which is interpreted by our brains as, “time to be awake doing things!” That’s not exactly the message you want to be sending your brain in the middle of the night.That’s why it’s recommended that you put down your smartphone an hour before you intend to fall asleep and do not check it in the middle of the night. Ideally, it’d be in another room, but we all know that isn’t happening.Try and maintain a consistent bedtime routine that involves calming activities and cut out devices that emit blue light in favor of books, magazines, kindle, music, etc.

Smart Phones Demand Your Attention

With the prevalence of dinner table phone-checking, some families and friend groups have resorted to making a game out of not touching their phones. The first person to reach for their phone picks up the entire check.This game could sound fun to you if you’re a bit older, or it could be torture for you if you’re a millennial. In any event, the purpose is to encourage conversation and remaining in the present moment with your dinner party.It’s not unusual for our family to all be in the same room together, with each person captivated by their individual device. While reading the latest updates around the world, we are missing out on life in the present moment.Aren't the family, friends, and others around us worth our focus?

Why Can’t We Put the Phone Down?

Every time we see a new notification, get an e-mail, or read the latest news, our brain emits a hit of dopamine. Dopamine is the feel-good chemical in the brain that we enjoy while doing something pleasurable.It’s also what drug addicts are searching for when they use more and more of their drug of choice. That's right, smartphones provide some of the same addictive properties as illicit drugs!Thankfully you don’t need to be out on the street at 3am to get your hit, but smartphone addiction can still negatively impact your life.

The Smart Phone Diet to reduce stress

Just like someone addicted to drugs or alcohol can find ways to cope and live a full life, you too can find ways to reduce the impact of smartphone addiction.But first, you may want to take a few minutes just to think about how your smartphone use is impacting your life.If you’re one of those who is struggling in relationships because one or both of you are always on the phone, or if you’re losing sleep because you need to know what’s going on in the world, then these tips can help free you of the burden from smartphone addiction.

• Schedule screen-free timeHave one day a week be dedicated to present moment awareness. Keep the phone on the charger and enjoy a day with your family and friends, free of the smartphone distraction. Use this time to notice the beautiful little things in life, and to have meaningful conversations that deepen relationships.

• Delete apps that hook youIf you know that Facebook is the app that always has you reaching for the phone, delete it. You can always re-download it, but that process will take a few minutes and you might decide it isn’t worth it right now. You might even choose to take a longer break from that app and see how it affects your life. A few times I’ve given up Twitter for lent, and somehow, I survived. You can too!

• Make it difficult to access during times you need to focusWhen you have a task that needs your focus, it’s too tempting to have your phone in your pocket. Every interruption takes approximately 25 minutes to recover from when trying to re-focus. You can avoid this problem by having your phone someplace difficult to reach during your focus time.

• Ask for helpHaving an accountability partner can be so helpful in breaking free. You may not even realize when you pick up the phone because it’s an ingrained habit, but your partner, kids, or friend can point it out to you. Your desire to change may even prompt your loved ones to try it as well!

Now that you’ve given yourself some space from that constant urge to reach for the phone, you can find positive ways to fill the extra hours in your day.Rewarding yourself by engaging in meaningful activities will be the best decision you ever made. Think about it, on your 80th birthday will you be reflecting on all those Facebook statuses you read, or the quality moments you had with your family?It’s never too late to begin to add more of those valuable memories you can cherish for a lifetime.If you've been struggling with addiction to your smart phone, or aren't sure why you're feeling so overwhelmed with stress, please reach out for a free consultation. I'd love to chat with you about what you can be doing to start taking control of your life again. I have a few spots available in my practice, so if we're a good fit, we can discuss what that would look like.

Address Physical Symptoms of Anxiety

I was featured recently in an article on how to address physical symptoms of anxiety. You can check out the full article in Bustle. Here's a snippet:

“Deep breathing can be a very quick, and effective way to stop an anxious response before it accelerates. “During moments of anxiety, your brain’s fight-or-flight mechanism is activated,” Kevin Hyde, licensed psychologist tells Bustle.”

The article features many other techniques as well, including:

• Add self-care into your daily routine
• Take a pause to notice your thoughts
• Avoid caffeine, nicotine, and other substances that are intended to give you energy - they often fuel our anxiety response
• Engage in acts of kindness towards others, and yourself!

If you're interested in discussing how to work these strategies into your life to help address your stress, worry, and anxiety, please reach out for a free consultation. I'd love to chat with you so you can see what your life could look like when you start to take control again. I have a couple slots open in my practice if we decide we're a good fit.